First day as a vampire hunter: This is easy lol
First night as a vampire hunter: oh no
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I can eat 47 deviled eggs without throwing up.
Don’t ask how I know this.
niece: Diamond earrings!?
[flashback to me, drunk, wrapping presents]
me: Oh shit
[first date]
him: I’m sorry about the sushi but your bio said “real fish person”
me, a mermaid: can we just go
A Roomba, but to shave my legs.
Schools be like: make sure to buy your kid a glue stick that we will never use
According to Verizon, the cable guy should be here sometime between 10:00 a.m. and the return of Christ.
You can use the phrase “lickity split” as much as you want at work and they can’t fire you.
FOUR RULES FOR DATING MY TEENAGE DAUGHTER:
1) get her home by 11 p.m.
2) so we can chill
3) i have mario party
4) be my friend
Wife: I remember your proposal
Me: Oh yeah?
Wife: It was so romantic
Me: It was?
Wife: You put in so much effort
Me:
Wife: That was Steve?
Me: That was Steve
me: *stepping out of a time machine* I hope I didn’t change anything
t-rex wearing a little lab coat: me too
i failed a piss test at work you guys. Yeah, I made a poop instead! Hahahaha
“Check it out, I bought a shoot gun”
“You mean a shotgun”
“No not yet”
I decided to watch The Conjuring alone in a dark apartment and now I’m not allowed to make my own decisions anymore.
Told a girl she’s more attractive when she’s not wearing glasses and she said I’m also more attractive when she’s not wearing glasses.
Parents, when you go to the bathroom don’t forget to lock the door so your kids can show you what it would be like if zombies were trying to break down your door in an apocalypse.
“I hate hashtags!” Dad screams as he smashes his #1 Dad coffee mug against a wall.
What’s the biggest gaffe you’ve ever made? Mine was congratulating a coworker on a non-existant pregnancy. Turns out he’d just gotten really fat.
Today there were a few deer in the backyard looking hungry so I tromped out there with a bucket of corn and the entire flock of turkeys came out of nowhere charging at me. It was quite unsettling but we’re all fine.
[train]
GUY: Please take my seat.
ME: *adjusts pillow in my top to feign pregnancy* Thank you.
GUY: How far along are you?
ME: 5 stops.
I want to install a camera system, partly for security, but mostly so when my husband texts me asking what’s for dinner I can send him a 16 minute video montage of the kids screaming followed by a Thai take-out menu screen-shot.
i have faced more peer pressure to drink oat milk than to do drugs
how high up are we talkin’?
It was a classic Cinderella story: I walked into strangers’ houses and made women try on a shoe I found
I spend 90% of my life trying to do the right thing and the other half wondering why I don’t understand Math.
[first date]
Me: I collect taxidermy
Him: Really, taxidermy?
Me: It’s a family thing[later, at my place]
Me: Feel free to hang your coat on my stepmom
Lawyer: Is there any chance they’ll find the victim’s DNA on your clothes?
Me: No way, I used a lint roller.
Lawyer: Wait what?
Me: Yeah just *pantomiming a lint roller*
Shout out to weather for giving me SOMETHING to talk about when I encounter neighbors.
In my day children didn’t ask “What fresh hell is this?” while browsing through a rack of cardigans.
Geese are too effing smart for my comfort level and frankly I don’t know why more folks aren’t alarmed. Geese are like cats only they can honk; oh and also they can fly. And they can fly in a spaceship formation; with collective grace that puts even the best Zumba class to shame.
me: what’s it even got to be scared of, it’s *wood*
her: I said it’s *petrified* wood
me: I know what the word means plz don’t talk down to me