No one said life would be easy, but a heads-up on the number of idiots out there would’ve been nice.
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I hope the hot young mom across the street stops mowing the lawn soon. I don’t want my husband having any inappropriate thoughts, like I might start doing yard work.
Me: wow I can’t believe these were only 2 dollars, they look like such good quality nobody will ever know they weren’t expensive!
Someone: oh wow nice pants
Me (beaming with pride): THEY WERE 2 DOLLARS
Me: Make sure Jnr. gets straight A’s…[slides envelope]
Teacher: Is this what I think it is?
Me:[nods] You can use it to send letters & stuff
My kid asked me what gaslighting is but I didn’t know how to explain it so I just said it’s not a real thing
[on Wheel of Fortune]
Puzzle- Phrase:
OPE__ MOU__H I__SER__ FOO__Me: (with bank of $15,250) I’d like to solve the puzzle!!
Pat Sajak: Go Ahead, Darla.
Me: OPEN MOUTH INSERT FOOD
Buzzer: *beeps*
Studio audience: *groans*
Wife: Rock the baby.
Me: *plugs in amp*
the first time my brother got covid, he decided to shave his head and tell everyone it was one of the symptoms, which was just so wrong yet so very very funny
Her: I’m done with you and everybody who looks like you.
Me: What did Wilford Brimley ever do to you?
I’m eating the potato off my 3yr old’s French Fries because he doesn’t like potato, in case you wondered if parenting was right for you
Please do not shout “2020” in a crowded theater.
*Arrives at airport checkin*
Me: I’ve never been to the rainforest. I’m really excited!
-Ticket please
Me: [Hands her Amazon Gift Card]
my best friend and i made a pact that if we’re both still single when we’re 40 we will go on a horrifying nationwide crime spree
if i could choose one super power right now it would be the ability to delete my number from other people’s phones.
I’d be a terrible surgeon because my hands shake, and also because I didn’t go to medical school of any kind.
Just failed a captcha test. Hell of a way to discover you’re a robot
Politics would be a lot more fun if Congress had an open bar.
I hit a pothole so hard the woman on the radio bit her tongue
If you see someone wearing camouflage clothing, bump into them.
It only takes a second of your time & it makes them feel like it works.
I figured out how to eat rice cakes. You have to frost them and then dip them into marshmallow fluff. Diet food isn’t so bad.
Why is America trying to bomb the lady who lives in my iPhone she seems nice
[Brings pot brownies to the PTA meeting]
– New playground approved
– All classes now held outside
Me, in DM rooms…
When you think about it, Carry On My Wayward Son is very poor parenting advice. It should be more Reign It In Douchebag You’re Upsetting Your Mom but that wouldn’t sell records I suppose.
Having a crush is weird bc one minute you’re a normal person and then out of nowhere you’re like damn I wanna bake that boy a pie
The art of conversation, otherwise known as two or more people each awaiting their chance to interrupt.
Her: You ate that entire bag of fried cheese snacks?
Him: Thought you said they were baked.
Her: I said YOU were baked.
We should double tap 2020 to make sure it’s really dead
God: “MOSES. THIS IS THE LORD. I HAVE NEWS FOR YOUR PEOPLE.”
Moses: “New burning bush. Who dis?”
Him: “Part of having a sense of humor is knowing when to show restraint.”
Me: “Yeah, but this is Twitter.”