I got 99 tabs open but my work ain’t one.
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*spills wine on Ouija board*
OUIJA: *moving pointer by itself* H-E-Y S-S-E-X-Y D-Y-O-O-U-W-W-A-N-N-A M-A-K-E O-U-T
ME: *moves pointer to NO*
i’m crying live action simba really did not gaf
In a parallel universe somewhere, Bruno Mars is listening to the radio & he’s sick of me being on every channel.
I just sneezed with a cat on my lap and I’m going to need someone to send help I’m losing a lot of blood.
Hey u should give your secret boss this Coke. *bottle says “Share a Coke w/ the Drug Maker Guy”* *undercover cop’s fake mustache falls off*
My politics are simple: one day I will be eaten by a gigantic worm. And anyone who tries to stop that from happening is my enemy
If you don’t have a dog whistle, you can use two teenage girls who have not seen each other in forever.
Anyone who can get the straw in the Capri Sun on the first try can make your death look like an accident.
“I’m away at school for one day and you give away my room?!”
[First date]
Her: I like bad boys.
Me: *trying to impress* I have it on Blu-ray.
COP: what do you think made Gordon Ramsay assault you?
ME: well, he said he was going to show me how to make a three bean chili and when i said a chili should have like, at least thirty beans in it, that’s when he threw the spatula at me
I’m as hard to open up as a grocery store produce bag.
6yo: What is a solar eclipse?
Me: Have you ever been outside in the dark?
6yo: yeah
Me: same idea
[wife drops me at the airport]
Wife: have a safe flight
Me: I have no say in the matter
Wife [already driving off]: die then
ME: you know what they say, curiosity killed the cat
CAT: that’s awful why would they say that?
ME: really?
CAT: *dies*
ACQUAINTANCE: (crying) Nobody likes me
ME: I like you
ACQUAINTANCE: (crying harder) Nobody good likes me
Only cowards need to take bath salts to bite a stranger’s face
*tapping DJ on the shoulder* YOU NEVER SAID WHAT TO DO WITH OUR HANDS IF WE DO CARE
Take your glasses off. Hold them up to a light to see if they’re dirty. Now try to do it with your mouth closed.
I wish I gave Darth Vader different last words.
Before he died, I wanted him to mutter, “I should have stuck to pod racing.”
Wife: *signing divorce papers*
I’m sorry I ever married youMe: Apology accepted
car not found
To All The Boys I’ve Loved Before They Decided I’m A “Good Friend”
Mermaid: I lay the eggs
Merman: and I fertilize them
Meredith: I’m Edith, I like to watch
I’m just a girl, sitting on a plane, watching each person come closer to the empty seat beside me and thinking “please don’t sit here”.
Telling a child not to touch something only ensures that child is definitely now going to touch that something.
My life coach traded me.
Job interviewer: What are your strengths?
Me: Is the next question going to be about weaknesses?
JI: Yes.
Me: I’m very perceptive.
earlier this year a random number i don’t recognize started sending me pictures of toads
[Scientific Conference]
Scientist 1: So science?
Scientist 2: *nodding* Science.