1) See laptop on empty table in crowded coffee shop. 2) Ask someone to watch it for you. 3) Leave before the owner returns.
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It’s fine when Santa does it, but when I see you when you’re sleeping & know when you’re awake it’s “creepy” and “sir, you’re under arrest”
You know you’re from New Jersey when going through security & they only wand your hair!
Screech up to a yard sale. Ask if they have any haunted amulets. Yell at the dog in your backseat, “I’m GETTING the spell reversed, Greg!”
Got fired as a detective.
I have no clue why
daughter: can i keep the night light on?
me: and provide the monsters with a beacon to your location? use your head, sweetie
Me: I am a man of substance.
Motion-activated faucet: No.
ME: What’s the capital of Germany?
SON: G
ME: So college is a no then?!
Hey I bet you guys can’t guess what the Titanic’s least favorite kind of lettuce is
ME: I’m gonna punch my boss right on the nose
PRIEST: you can’t tell me about sins in advance
Me: Siri set an alarm for 6am tomorrow morning. I want to go to the gym before work.
Siri: Lol
[watching Harry Potter in bed]
Harry: please leave
Employment Agency: We got you an interview with a cable company, doing installation.
Me: *shows up to interview 3 hours late*
Interviewer: Oh my God… You’re hired.
waiter: want to hear our lunch specials?
me: sure
waiter: we have a caesar salad, clam chowder, or club sandwich
me: those things are on the normal menu
waiter: yes but right now you can get them $18
me: they’re usually $12
waiter: today they’re special
Personality test: do you tend to keep to yourself
Me: Yes
Personality test: you are an introvert
Me: Holy shit
Dear predictive text,
I am tired of sending people “Thanksgiving” when they send me a recipe or directions.
rich people when they have to pay taxes
Picture a fox. Wrong. They are smaller than that.
Cop: Maybe it’s your driving. Maybe you’re drunk.
Me: Maybe it’s Maybelline.
“I love ribs! What are ribs, anyway? Are they like cow, or like people…or?”
-my 6yo daughter, that’s apparently not disturbed by cannibalism
Me: You must admit that Apollo 11 landing on the moon 50 yrs ago is pretty impressive.
Cow: *takes drag from cigarette* Yeah, but if you jump over it in 1765 no one cares, apparently.
Me: Anyone else get the feeling their being watched?
…
CIA: They’re*
What can I eat that’s healthy and a donut?
I’ve never been #BackToTheFuture , but my mom always used to promise me she’d knock me into next week if I didn’t behave.
Diet hack: Spend your money filling up your gas tank so you won’t have money for groceries.
It still works 🤷🏼♀️
The Conjuring 3:
Evil spirits torment another single mom & her kids.
The kids torment them back.
They’re better at it.
The spirits flee.
The first computer dates back to Adam and Eve.
It was an Apple with limited memory,
just one byte. And then everything crashed.
Tom Holland’s nemesis is Jerry Amsterdam
I started running today. Also, there is a new mean dog in the neighborhood that interrupted my walk today.