The biggest issue with mass immigration is all those people are going to make Europe too heavy and it will sink into the ocean, and the see-saw effect will raise the far east into the stratosphere and launch Chinese people into space.
Why is no one talking about this?
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Medication for depression “may cause thoughts of suicide”. If this were so for all meds then:
Diet Pills..may cause ravenous hunger
[pumpkin patch]
Cinderella: how many miles on this one?
Farmer: please stop kicking them
I’m at an age where I don’t spring into action.
I dead of winter into action.
“Is white wine all you have?”
No, I can do any
not enough men these days put fish in their mouth and pull out the entire skeleton in tact
Wife: you’re drunk
Me: no’m not
Wife: I’M JUST A POOR BOY NOBODY LOVES ME
Me: HE JURSTA PRO BROY FUMMA FLOOR FLAMLEE
Wife:
Me: ok lil bit
Just once I’d like a number between 1 and 10 to think of me.
The most disappointing moment of my adult life was when I found out a vaporizer is an e-cigarette and not a death ray that vaporizes people.
No, they’re not called hedge funds because hedgehogs control the global economy. What a silly idea. 🙂
*later to thugs* They know too much.
Seems like I can’t even sit on a park bench anymore without someone’s henchman sneaking by to swap briefcases
Why jurors are not allowed to have cellphones in the courthouse:
Me, taking a selfie in the jury box: feeling cute, might convict someone later.
I’ve started dating myself exclusively but it’s not working out
ME (undercover, approaching craps table): One crap please, my good man.
It still pisses me off that teachers gave us shit about paying attention and then had to take attendance to see if one of their kids was missing
Attn people who run in dark clothes at night,
I don’t have THAT much car insurance.
Facial recognition software, but it just explains Where You Know That Person From
Some early signs you’re growing up:
1. Checking expiration dates
2. Reading before signing
3. Preemptive pee before going anywhere
ME: I’m so nervous. It’s my first day on the job. I definitely fibbed on my qualifications to get this job. Hope I can figure it out before I mess up.
CO-PILOT: …What?
It feels so good to tell my mom every morning that I’m going running, because then she hangs up and I can sleep another hour.
Did Batman know that Alfred was embezzling billions to finance a 4-person Magic act that was a front for robbing banks?
I lost a contact at the gym and while I was searching for it people started gathering around and long story short I teach yoga now.
Came home to find the couch had moved a few inches, and neither the dog nor the cat will look me in the eye now.
My friend is really mad that the same team keeps winning her local pub quiz so she’s recruiting literally everyone can think of to join hers because they don’t have team size limits, and I can’t wait for her to become the reason they implement team size limits.
trying to get through to Mozart on the Ouija board I really want him to listen to the Thong Song
I just passed a beer truck on the highway.
“Wait a minute. I’m named after beer?!!?”
-My 6 yr old son, Miller
*seductively removes toilet paper from bottom of shoe*
Why would I pay for a haunted house when I can wake up to my kid silently standing by my bed at 5 AM.
30% of parenting is making yourself the bad guy so your kids will unite against you and get along for a little while.
If Nicole Kidman had a child with Gary Oldman, the child’s last name would be Middleagedman
My 7yo lost his lunchbox, but he did bring home a giant leaf, so I guess we’ll just wrap up his lunch in that from now on.