Tired: Turner & Hooch
Wired:
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girls on tinder will say “your parents will love me but your neighbors won’t” like what are you gonna do? start mowing at 7am on a saturday??
GUY: my new boss is gay
ME: my new bed sheets are warm
GUY: [clearly frustrated] what does that have to do with anything?
ME: exactly
Why do parents train babies to peek with the game peekaboo but then spend the remaining childhood telling them not to peek?
[forgetting the word unfrosted]
do you have any khaki flavored Pop-Tarts
*enters contest*
Contest: “Wrong hole.”
Please don’t put a coin on my mouth when I die; I plan to wander the shores of the River Styx for 100 years & finally get that bikini body.
When will I learn that smoking as much as possible before I go to the airport won’t keep me high for my entire flight it’ll just make going through security Terrifying
WIFE: We really need to think about sticking to our monthly budget
ME: *feeding my pet octopus a bag of emeralds* I agree
me: uhhh what did you do?
9: [frantically trying to wash his blue colored hands] nothing. I did nothing!
6: that’s none of your business
4: it IS my business
6:
4: what does business mean
My kids’ french fries were fried in peanut oil and the way I see it that counts as protein
Not my circus. Not my monkeys. But I’m 99% positive I know those clowns.
My computer crashed and now all the other computers have slowed down so they can see what’s happening.
Ohhh so you don’t hate peaches. You just hate peaches that aren’t on MY plate. Got it.
– Me, to the 5 yr old
Nothing brings me more joy than watching my cats walk across sleeping family members.
When you’re asleep, you aren’t even a person to them.
Or when you’re awake.
My daughter asked if we can just pretend she’s being well behaved and tbh I think it might be easier for both of us
Nice Confederate flag bro, way to commemorate coming in second place in a civil war.
ME: [in front of mirror] Bloody Mary Bloody Mary Bloody Mary
*Bloody Mary appears*
ME: I’m moving today and need your help
BLOODY MARY: Shit
When you hug someone, think of all the poop you are just inches away from.
For my niece’s 7th birthday, I’m filling a pinata with a smaller pinata. When she breaks it open I’m gonna yell “Oh God! She was pregnant!”
[looking up at night sky]
Girl: The Milky Way and Mars have always fascinated me.
Boy: *trying to impress* Yes, and I also enjoy Snickers.
What book is a red flag for you if your date says it’s their favorite? For me it’s the dictionary. Nobody should know that many words
Hello, Gotham Child Services. Oh dear. Both dead? My my. Well, does the child have a Butler that can raise him? Cos it’s a lot of paperwork.
I am far too familiar with the bathroom floor to ever be judgemental of anyone else’s life decisions.
You call it gossiping, I call it a love of knowledge
me: can I get a job application
mcdonald’s manager: [handing me one] do you have experience
me: oh yeah I’ve filled out hundreds of these
Sometimes I think about when I was at an event when I was 20 and I asked this guy to dance and he said after I eat my cake. After he finished that piece he went back for another piece…and another. He just kept eating cake. So. Much. Cake. I’m still waiting on that dance.
me: awhinersayswhat?
daughter: what?
*my wife and I high five*
Answering all the ‘how r u’ DM’s with ‘I got my period’ is going surprising well