Iceland is like a guy who brags he was prom king and captain of the varsity basketball team and yearbook editor and then you find out he was homeschooled.
You Might Also Like
Some homophobic guys are scared that a dude might hit on ’em.
If a chick wouldn’t hit on you, neither would a dude.
Ugliness is universal.
pirate: walk the plank
me: ok but I don’t have a leash lol
pirate: *drops sword* dad?
“The last thing I want to do is hurt you. First I want to date you & get to know you.”
Someone just told me she’s been married for 791 days. Is she excited or counting down her sentence?
“…and use only your finest microwaves.”
– me, trying to impress my date at Applebee’s
[1st day as chef]
Waiter: table 3 want soufflé
Me [an hour later]: I can do toast, tell them they can have toast, it’s like bread but harder
Attn Christian Parents: the band Kiss may sound innocent but their name is short for KISSING
Caught an epiisode of “American Ninja Warrior” and I’m thinking if I put my mind to it and train really hard I could be in that studio audience.
The word October loosely translates to ’eight bers’
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: Your word is “incorrect”
KID: I haven’t spelled it yet
JUDGE: No, that’s your word
KID: T-H-A-T-’-S
JUDGE: No-
KID: N-
My safe word is now just a dry cough.
*At funeral*
“Your Mom is so fat”
I said eulogy, not roast.
“oh right, I’m sorry. Your mom WAS so fat…”
You know you’re too drunk to drive when you swerve to miss a tree then realise it was your air freshener.
Me:
Uber driver:
Me:
Uber driver:
Me:
Uber driver:*5 stars*
Lost my chapstick today, but a few hours later I found one on the floor of a men’s room at an interstate rest-area. Looks like my luck is finally turning around.
For the first time, all three of my kids are going to three different schools. I managed to get them all there on time for their first day, but intentionally ran a few minutes late on day two so their teachers didn’t have unrealistic expectations.
[My death bed]
*loved ones sobbing*
Me: Cheesecake. Not a slice ffs. The whole cheesecake. And no low-fat crap. Go! I don’t have all day.
Been married six months and I can’t even remember the last time I felt lucky on Google.
Every single employee in this hotel has said good morning to me. I’m never staying here again.
Not all heroes wear capes.
[bakery]
Him: This wedding cake is perfect for us! Look at all of the tiers!
Me: Definitely not happy tears
Him: What?
Me: What?
My God, have you lost your marbles?
Yes, she whispers.
I secure the basement door. Monstrous sounds emanate. The hippos are so very hungry.
whenever i watch the tv show Friends, i imagine im the seventh friend, Dirk, who just stays home while all his friends do stuff without him
I used to sneak out of my house to go to parties, now I sneak out of parties to go to my house.
Me at 23: I can’t believe someone called the cops on us, it’s only 1am!!
Me at 43: It’s 10 o’clock and they’re still making noise. Call the cops.
In an attempt to build some exercise into my daily routine, I’ve put the biscuits on a higher shelf. Boy, I’m gonna be sore tomorrow.
What happens in Vegas will most likely cost you a fortune in dry cleaning.
I’ve only been awake for an hour, but I’ve already been fooled 38 times.
Just checked weather. If anyone is curious what’s in my wardrobe, find me tomorrow. I will be wearing every article of clothing I own.
Making crop circles IS a full time job, Troy. No one gets funding to study aliens if there are no aliens to study. Duh.