me when someone doesn’t believe me and they google it and see I’m right
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When my 2 y.o. throws a temper tantrum, I suddenly don’t feel so bad about leaving her with massive national debt & a destroyed environment.
My greatest wish is for every guy who has ever rejected me to end up with a girl who asks tons of questions during a movie.
just spilled alphabet soup on my keyboard. I’m so confused
The people in this spin class are looking at me like they’ve never seen a girl with a helmet before.
IF SEAL IS BROKEN, PLEASE NOTIFY ZOOKEEPER IMMEDIATELY
Me: Today I will be patient, kind, and tolerant of things that I can’t control
Also me: Screams at toothpaste for not coming out of the tube faster
Henchman: boss I need to take Thursday and Friday off
Mob Boss: ok but please have all your crimes done by Wednesday end of day
Haha, if i’m supposed to be at work right now then how come me & my friend dale are at the park watching a priest use a crucifix to break up a fight between a raccoon & a telephone repairman?
Sorry, I’m in a hurry, lets talk while we walk… You go that way.
“why y’all clapping at 3AM?”
It’s really funny that if you drown someone in a toilet in Hitman the authorities chalk it up to being an accidental death
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Yes.
Netflix: Have you showered today?
Me: Um, I …
Netflix: And use soap this time.
“Is that your dog?”
“No, actually she’s adopted… we were unable to conceive a dog naturally ourselves”
This baby at McDonalds may have started the screaming competition, but I guarantee I’m going to win it.
[1st day as an animal researcher]
*tagging a bear*
Me: you’re it
Why can’t I track the Grubhub driver AFTER he’s given me my food? What if I want to make sure he gets home okay
[New printer]
Align printer *prints page*
Clean printhead *prints page*
Print this test page *prints page*Ink low, replace cartridges
me: Did you brush your teeth?
9: Yes
me *hands him a glass of orange juice*
9: Do I have to?
me: Yep. Told you not to touch my Cheetos
*Judge raises hammer* “I SENTENCE YOU TO LIFE” -*defendant chuckles* “I’m already alive you MORON!”
Pros of a minivan: It can fit 5 kids.
Cons of a minivan: It can fit 5 kids.
When I’m worried about something, I find that going on a walk is a great way to get outside, breathe, and think of new things to worry about
ME: [watching tv]
FRIEND: You should turn it on tho
me: wow you sure are playing hard to get
after-school appointment at my kid’s dentist: *blushes* oh you
Gangs should do drive-bys with t-shirt guns it’d be less violent & the shirt could say “you suck” so the target still gets the message
Mattel is launching a new Twitter Barbie. She looks like a stunning hot blonde on the package but is an old fat guy when you open the box
Like you’ve never thought about giving Adderall to a turtle.
There are only six months between Christmas and Easter which means Jesus was some kind of prodigy “super baby”. Most people don’t consider how much he accomplished in his short lifetime.
[criminal trial]
PROSECUTOR: *gives eloquent, convincing closing argument as to why my client is guilty*
ME: *holds up poster of prosecutor’s entire argument in the spongebob meme format*
JURY: lmao, not guilty
*job interview*
Me: Do you think my plants get disgusted when I have sex in front of them?
Interviewer: I.. I meant questions about the job