I’m never hungrier than when someone says they’re paying
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I’m a creative speller thus no typos, just art.
Husband “I thought you were dieting?”
Me “I am”
Husband “You just ate 6 Oreos”
Me “Yes but I want to eat 12. See – Dieting”
Some people rescued a great white shark that washed up on a beach, just like sharks would do for us if we were carried out into the ocean.
I’ve got nothing against kids, I just don’t understand why you’d want indoor kids.
FORTUNE COOKIE: The next play you see will blow your mind!
ABE LINCOLN: is that good
*walks into business conference*
*everyone stares and gasps because I have a hotel coffee cup instead of Starbucks*
*one lady starts crying and gives me her cup*
[fishing]
me: why won’t these goldfish take my bait?
friend: they’re koi.
me: aww don’t be shy little fishies.
I wish they had an app that allows you to delete your number from other ppl’s phones.
“I’m so stoked!”
-An excited fireplace
I do this weird thing where I feel fabulous then I have to get out of bed
12-year-old: *holds up a poster* This is my school project.
Me: What was your objective?
12: To be done with my school project.
Nailed it.
What is the difference between Black-Eyed Peas and Chickpeas?
Black-Eyed Peas can sing us a song,
but Chickpeas
can just hummus one.
Just saw a woman in Starbucks who was 10% scarf and like 90% boot.
commas are like garlic, you measure with your heart
“I’s up here!” – Popeye calling down from the crow’s nest.
People who love dark chocolate are always so snobby about it. Relax. It’s just chocolate, you elitist ninnies.
Kid: Would you rather be invisible or be able to fly?
Me: Be invisible.
Kid: To fight bad guys, right?
Me, imagining breaking into a cheese shop and eating all the cheese: Totally.
“Ham with pineapple is delicious, so why not on pizza?” The executioner throws the torch on the pyre, without strangling me first.
If someone gives you sad eyes, give them sadder eyes. You must win this.
Yup….perfect score!
Anyone who wants to learn how to be humble, feel free to talk to me. There’s nothing like learning from the best.
Without Googling, can you close your laptop, drive to the beach, and throw your phone into the ocean?
How to use a credit card machine:
1. Insert card.
2. Don’t remove it yet.
3. Nope, still not yet.
4. Yeah, not yet either.
5. REMOVE CARD NOW! OH MY GOD DON’T MAKE ME KEEP BEEPING AT YOU LIKE A BOMB IS ABOUT TO GO OFF!
my tamagotchi never lived more than 24 hours at a time sure i’ll hold your baby.
Either my cat is speaking English or that was not a vitamin I took….
Who cares about Friday the 13th? I mean, what more can the universe do to me?
“Why am I not asleep?” he thought, while shining a beam of pure information directly into his eyes from eight inches away.
Sorry to all the people my 3yo has yelled at for eating ice cream in a car.
Telling him it was illegal was wrong. I know this now.
JESUS: Take and eat; this is my body
ME: Umm
JESUS: Drink. This is my blood
ME: Can we get another waiter please!
JESUS: This is my mixtape
What if during Halloween people said “creepy crawlidays”