Yes I run a porn site. It was an accident.
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Movie tickets for 4: $56
Popcorn: $16
Hot dogs: $20
Sodas: $14
Candy: $15
Parking: $5Seeing the smiles on your family’s faces: $126
My kids don’t enjoy cleaning so much as they enjoy spraying cleaning supplies everywhere
Just seen a really sad documentary on the telly about a guy who works 60 hours a week crushing drink cans. It was soda pressing.
Nobody:
Me: “What if dinosaurs really just had that Kardashian vocal fry?”
If having a social media account makes you a journalist, changing a lightbulb makes me an electrician.
Bought a 2nd cell phone to leave on the coffee table as a decoy when I go tweet in the bathroom.
The size of the gates in Jurassic Park suggests they were always planning on letting the dinosaurs out.
How long can you soak pots & pans in your sink?
Please say 12 years
MOVIE EXEC: So your idea for a superhero is a guy called ‘Candleman’ and his catchphrase is ‘There’s no rest for the wick head’?
ME: Yep!
HIM: Get out
I used to think it would be cool to be able to read other people’s minds.
Then I joined Twitter and got over that real quick.
A toddler can do more in one unsupervised minute than most people can do all day.
WIFE: Where are the groceries?
ME: Bacon was on sale.
WIFE: Oh god, what does that mean?
*sound of dump truck backing into driveway*
DAVID ATTENBOROUGH:
Here we see the weakest of the herd in its natural habitat.
[camera pans to me laying in bed eating cake]
me: there’s something gross in my soup.
waiter: that’s your reflection
Ridiculous. He should be in jail
Pizza is a good argument against nihilism.
The opposite of itty bitty is bigly wiggly
When you have this song stuck in your head, is it just your mind playing tracks on you?
The Kardashians is what happens when you feed a gremlin after midnight.
My 16-year-old wants to know how old he needs to be before I remove the window-lock safety feature on the car. My 21-year-old says she’d love to know too.
You can drink screwdrivers and get hammered while watching Saw and hoping you get nailed. The English language is fun
If I could be any animal I’d pick a turtle, strictly for the chance, however slight, I could be turned into a ninja.
When your whiskey stops people from entering your house.
~ Scotchgard
I have yet to interview a ham that didn’t end in sandwiches.
*Tries to warm up car*
Car: I have a boyfriend
[first date]
Me: that is hilarious
Date: …
Me: wait, bread or dead?
Date: how would my parents be bread?
The best misheard song lyric ever is “Hit me with your pet shark”.
I will hear no other opinions on this matter.
Part of adulthood is finding a hobby that you don’t have time for.
Me: I think it’s time to get rid of that beard.
Beard: Dude?! I’m like right here!
Me: Yeah, you becoming self-aware is part of the problem.