Him: I’m making you Produce Manager.
Me: A PLUM assignment!
H: …
M: You’re a PEACH!
H: …
M: Do I start today or TOMATO?
H: You’re fired.
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The chicken mask stays on during chicken shopping
[garage sale]
ME: can I leave my children as collateral
LADY: you haven’t bought anything
They must have gotten it to go.
Be the reason why your local woods are haunted.
Me: Look, I love you, But I made exactly the amount of cheese & crackers I want to eat right now.
Wife: But I only…
Me: EXACTLY the amount
anytime I meet someone who doesn’t like dogs I assume their backstory is that they were cut from their high school basketball team because airbud took their spot
A cool thing about kids is how they make you keep an open mind, like when your 3 year old wakes you up to ask “What if we were hotdogs?” and you’re like, oh damn what if
Tonight we discovered 9 memorized my phone code and 6 memorized my husband’s code.
They’re working together, we’re in trouble.
I’m a cat person. I sleep all day and spend the rest of the time trying to convince my wife I haven’t eaten yet.
Prometheus? I never even heard of Amaturemetheus.
I think I was like 19 years old before I realized pirates had English accents
a crowd trying to stone me to death but i keep catching them in my pockets
Sometimes it’s hard to nap at work. Like, when the boss is standing beside you or when you don’t have a job.
[at symphony concert]
*marimba part begins*
Me: *takes out iPhone* Hello?
Doctor: So, what are you using for birth control?
Me: Usually black socks with sandals. Sometimes tighty whiteys…
A friend went on a cruise and when I asked how it went he said “well I didn’t throw up” and this is now my measurement of success for everything.
I just tried to put my coffee pot in the refrigerator. I obviously slept very well and I’m on the way to a fabulous day.
There’s a bag of Hersey’s chocolate in the kitchen.
I’ve been smothering myself with kisses.
[looking at family picture]
Me: Such good times
3yr old son: But I’m not in the pic
Me: *ruffles his hair* I know, buddy
My new pajamas have no pockets. I don’t want to hear your problems.
I took a break from social media to spend more time with my family. My family has requested I spend more time with social media.
[meeting a friend’s new baby]
cool so do you have any non human pets?
Hannibal Lecter didn’t have to be a serial killer, he was scary enough as a foodie.
Pink has done surprisingly well as a solo artist ever since her and Floyd split up.
God: Any other requests?
Angel: Ooh! Do a cow in sunglasses, holding a cigarette!
God: No problem.
I just don’t know what to make of people anymore.
-Cannibal who’s out of dinner ideas
Authors, for the love of all things, let your protagonists sleep sometimes.
This guy on GMA is thanking God b/c he survived 2 plane crashes. I’m pretty sure “God” is trying to kill him.
Granny said “alright now, if she fall that’s it for me” 😭
Pro tip-If you bring a toy boat into a hot tub and repeatedly reenact the Titanic, in a few mins you’ll have the entire hot tub to yourself.