Me: wow this scratch n sniff sticker smells really good
Him: that’s my bandaid
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[son falls over & hurts himself]
ME: aww poor kid, he needs a little THC
WIFE: don’t you mean TLC?
ME: [huge bong rip] he needs what now?
Wife: Let’s spice things up in the bedroom.
Me: Hey baby, I’ll tikka your masala. Heh.
Wife: Absolutely not like that.
*getting caught filling up neighbor’s trash can*
Omg Karen, I just looove your trash can! Where did you get it?
I’m on hold. My call is important to them.
Woman: What are you taking out of your pocket?
Man: A knife. I’m a serial killer.
Woman: Oh thank God, I thought it was an engagement ring.
Me: *takes 20 min to get wrapped up in blankets and finally get comfy on the couch in front of the heater*
Also me: *I gotta pee*
To shoot someone, never aim at his chest.
Aim at his smartphone.
He’ll die faster.
I’m trying to eliminate negativity from my life so Monday’s will now be Taco Tuesday eve until further notice
Where there’s a pill, there’s a yay.
During fireworks is the best time to shoot someone.
Women are like iPhones, you have to touch them all over before they respond. Men are like BBs, rub one ball & everything moves.
My 13-year-old was quietly giggling as I opened my phone, and I realized he had changed the settings so the text is significantly bigger. Not sure if I’m more annoyed that he took a jab at me for being old, or that I can actually see a lot better now.
9, playing an iPad game: Weird… I accidentally did something and my character became fat.
Me: Same.
Some woman is out there right now pregnant with Leonardo Dicaprio’s next girlfriend.
Someone punctured my boss’s tires and I’m definitely gonna tell him about it, but first let me put the nail gun back in the backpack.
wake me up when ChatGPT can procrastinate for 7 hours before starting a manual data entry task, then I’ll feel threatened in my job
My daughter was pissed at me this morning and threatened to tell me the Wordle answer, so obviously I’m raising a savage monster.
He paid me $150 for the “girlfriend experience,” so I went through his phone then locked myself in the bathroom, sobbing inconsolably.
me: I saw our neighbor walking his dog at 6 AM and he looked so unhappy
wife: maybe the two are related?
me: no, I think they’re just good friends
Forgot to take off my makeup and woke up looking like Cyndi Lauper from 1983.
[going to bed]
Wife: I don’t have to get up so don’t wake me in the morning.
Me: Okay.[5 AM the next morning]
Me [waking wife up]: Hey I forget what you told me to do today.
the guy who invented constellations was like “see those 4 stars? that’s a bear” and everyone else was just too busy trying to not die from the plague to fight him on it
Not to brag but I also have a things-to-undo list
What’s the deal with everyone liking unicorns? They’re horses with dildos on their heads. Dragons, people. DRAGONS.
Not to brag but I can chop an onion without crying
And I can cry without chopping an onion
Am I the only one who wonders why the Flintstones celebrate Christmas.
Robert Downey Jr. will always be my hero, not because of Iron Man, but because he broke into someone’s home just to take a nap.
What is the deal with airplane food?
Seriously, I’m trying to feed this thing and I don’t know what airplanes eat.
This is a really bad idea. When do we start?
i like elevator conversations because i know there’s a time limit