You Might Also Like
interviewer: what are some of your strengths
me: i’m really good at making people question their reality
interviewer: what does that mean
me: [slightly tearing up] you really don’t remember the accident do you
18 years old: let’s eat pizza at 1am and feel amazing
40 years old: I ate a chicken sandwich at 9pm and had heartburn for two days
Let’s walk barefoot on grass!
-People who have never walked a dog
Whenever I’m having a bad day I think “Goddammit if a baby can hold their head up, then so can I.” Then I pee my pants and scream cuz that’s also what babies do.
Honestly, ladies, pockets aren’t all that they’re hyped up to be.
*finding the car key fob in three pieces in the dryer
Officer: “didn’t you know that sleeping in your car on the side of the road is illegal ?”
Me: “yes I did officer. But this isn’t my car”
On a road trip, if you need to pee, you have two options: public restrooms or the grass. I went for grass and could see my dogs nodding their heads in solidarity
Don’t make my same mistake. See the signs. Make a change.
just woke up from a terrible nightmare. was dreaming about a country called “britain” where people eat beans for breakfast and say stuff like “crumpet” and speak a barely intelligible version of english. thank god that’s not real
Me *writing*: she was like 12 slices of key lime pie in a dress- tart, cool, totally whipped.
Her: I can hear you.
Me: she could hear me
count dracula: at last i’ve got you wolf man
wolf man: at last i’ve got you dracula
*dracula turns into a bat*
*wolf man turns into a wolf*
godzilla: weird flex, but ok
*eats them both*
Listen, if you are going to someone’s house for Thanksgiving, compliment their baseboards. That is what they are spending today cleaning
Plastic bags biodegrade quicker than my mum getting to the point on the phone.
*eats nothing but junk food for 3 weeks straight*
OMG is bellyache a symptom?!
“Dad, are we pyromaniacs?”
” Yes, we arson.”
Absolutely noone:
Americans: I took French at school but all I can remember is fromage.
bought a box of 100 crickets from the pet store and released them back into the ocean were they belong
I made a clone of myself to do the dishes, another to do the laundry, and another to do the cooking, but we’re all sitting on the couch watching tv.
“I’m in love with the shape of ewe.”
-Ed, shearing
[lightbulb store]
owner: “what watt can i get you?”
me:
owner:
me:
owner: “did i stutter?”
me: “i dont know”
Ken is short for chicken
DATE: You hear that an ostrich escaped from the zoo?
ME: [from the kitchen] No
DATE: Oh. What’s for dinner?
ME: A suspiciously large chicken
Me: I am so approachable and easy to get along with
Anyone: hey girl
Me: 😠
Anyone: excuse me ma’am
Me: 😡
Anyone: yo mister
Me: 😡😡😡
The Hurricane came through here like a tornado
-Lady on the News just now
I don’t want to live on this planet anymore
[ brings ouija board to your grave ]
“Okay, now will you tell me why her number was in your phone?”
Just asked my coworkers if anyone had to use the potty before our next meeting, in case there was any doubt that I’m a mom.
*first date*
Him: You have a very defined jawline.
Me: Thanks! I chew a lot.
In hell, you wait for a ‘verify your email address’ email that never arrives.
dear law students: nothing in the civil rules prohibits yelling out latin phrases like harry potter spells.