Jaws (1975): A shark is murdered on his vacation.
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This day in history. 1881. A man in Großliebenthal Ukraine hit by an 8 kg stone deduced that it was a meteorite as his wife was out of town.
my favorite part of watching any sport is when the announcer tells us that in order for the team to win they have to score more points than the other team, & when they fall short & lose the game i like to shake my head & say to myself, “should’ve listened to the announcer.”
Maybe she’s born with zits, maybe it’s methamphetamine
wife: You’re home early
me [hugging the dog] I had to see you
That’s me at the corner, that’s me at the stoplight choosing no collision
-Michael Stipe selling auto insurance
My coworker was talking to me and I couldn’t hear her and without realizing it I started to take my mask off to hear her better. To.hear.her.better.
AHHHHHHHH HONEY COME QUICK THERE’S A RAT IN THE SHOwer oh uh never mind, it’s just my hair in the drain
*burglar breaks in*
*i reach into my nightstand drawer, get my phone, & take his picture*
Burglar: No I have a double chin!
Me: I’ll post it
This is the dumbest end of the world ever.
You don’t know fear until you cough out a tampon nowhere near a bathroom.
The Mrs recognizes my “tell” when I’ve seen an attractive woman: my eyes pop 4 inches out of their sockets and I make a loud “A-OOGA” noise.
i think it’s time i give cats another chance. if any cats are reading this i just wanna say sorry for wanting to send u all to the military (even tho i still think it’s a good idea since u all have 9 lives) and i’m willing to start over if u are
I believe there are people on this planet who were born to get in everyone’s way at the grocery store.
Cher: Do you believe in life after love?
Me: *checks dictionary*
No.
I don’t want to brag but my mom said when I played soccer I was the best at watching the grass grow.
Chines crypto account who dm’ed me was suspended before I could respond. Can’t help but wonder, did I miss out on a great opportunity?
A selfie stick is very useful…..
.. as a prod to keep people out of your personal space.
Doctor *as I wake up after an accident* I’m afraid your body’s in a terrible condition
Me: oh no
Doctor: and then you were in an accident
To use Google efficiently, write like Tarzan. “good tacos boston”
[Bath & Body Works]
Me: I need a bottle of body lotion for my wife.
Clerk: These are Buy 3 Get 1 Free.
Me: I just need this one here.
Clerk: That’s not Buy 3 Get 1 but it IS Buy 1 Get 2 and if you buy this it’s Buy 2 Get 3 Free.
Me [leaving with 300 bottles]: how did this happen
The only thing we have to fear is fear itself
AND
When a women asks if you notice anything different
ME (an armchair psychiatrist): I think you’re crazy
ARMCHAIR:
*First day as a forest ranger*
Me: *using radio* I found a badly mangled buck out here
Boss: That means there’s a bear nearby
Me: Yep *narrows eyes* and it hates money
“You looked stressed”
Me: “Thanks, it’s probably all the stress”
Why are they called bars and not alcohalls?
BOSS: Ok so far so good. But before we finish the interview I’m gonna have you take a typing test.
LOBSTER: *looking down at claws* Shit
[having house guests]
Me: omg I need to CLEANNN
[30 minutes later]
Me: you know what if they don’t accept my house then they don’t accept ME
Bought a pair of camo sweatpants but my kids can still see me when I wear them. This is bullshit
Met a guy from Iraq today who grew a full beard as I was meeting him.
Hey, don’t blame me for all of the craziness in this world. I was raised by a green frog named Kermit, a diva pig named Ms. Piggy, and a brown bear named Fozzie who was totally wacka, wacka, wacka.