I don’t ever use my blinker. It’s nobody’s business where I’m going.
You Might Also Like
guy at the gym: hey can you spot me
me: ya you’re not even hiding
Me [doing a lovely soft shoe routine and nailing it]
Brother: Are you serious? This is my sentencing hearing
Judge [teary]: Just wonderful
[Morgan Freeman narrating my life]
*extended period of silence*
“What the hell am I supposed to do with this…”
Me: *pets dog*
Dog: Ruff
Me: *pets dog*
Dog: Ruff
Me: *pets dog*
Dog: Dude, I said your hands are ruff; can’t you moisturize?
I’m very productive, just not at the things I actually need to do
never compromise your values
I can’t tell if a family in a movie is happy unless the kids are waking up their parents by jumping onto their bed and yelling about pancakes
The human body is 70% water and 30% land
You know what’s worse than someone’s phone alarm playing the tune over and over? Someone else who starts whistling along.
I WILL NEVER STOP BEING A QUITTER!
I’m an introvert, but my middle finger is an extrovert.
Practice self-care like vampires: sleep all day, eat all night & outlive everyone who has ever loved you.
My teacher was pointing a ruler at me an said, “There’s an idiot at the end of this ruler!” I got detention after asking which end.
This entire pizza told me thigh gaps are for queers.
My daughter is angry that I won’t let her eat icicles hanging off our house, like I’m some kind of monster for denying her a gutter sucker.
My class teacher once said “Write and Practice.” Turns out she was right. I practiced on my desk just before I started my exam and it worked
Why yes, person on the Internet, I would love to make $596 per day sitting at home. Let’s do this!!!
Officer i swear I’ve only had 2 dog beers (14 beers)
Once a year on our shared birthday, my longtime ex texts me & we exchange simple wishes.
This year he added that he has overcome his longtime aversion to feta cheese, so I replied good, feta is delicious you still haunt my dreams.
Remember that decades long January? We didn’t know how good we had it.
When a guy asks “should I use a condom?” I like to reply “I would if I were you” Makes them think…
At Walmart during the holidays like..
So my wife doesn’t like the new shampoo she bought. I’ll give you two guesses who’s gonna be smelling like cucumber melon for the next five weeks.
People used to dress as monsters for Halloween. Now they dress as characters from shows you don’t watch.
longing is fun but i prefer “shorting,” where i want something for like a day and then realize never mind
Do you want to taunt a snowman?
All I’m saying is that I’ve chaperoned a 25 student class field trip and you’re definitely in trouble if you lose even one of them.
Never had a gay thought in my life but when Daniel Craig jumps onto the back of the train & adjusts his cuff I now kind of get it.
[first date]
I’m sorry, I fiddle when I get nervous
“That’s okay”
Yeah….
*jams out epic fiddle solo for the rest of the date*