Treadmill salesman: This one has 12 incline levels and can maintain speeds of up to 15 miles per hour.
Me: (dumps two loads of laundry on top) I’ll take it.
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[Extremely heavy metal voice]
HELL YES I WOULD LOVE TO HOLD YOUR BABY
Dont think about tomorrow because thats when the judge starts using the term premeditated.
if evolution doesn’t exist explain pokémon to me.
My husband and I love to play “who can pile the most into the trash can without taking it out” and I can assure there are no winners her. Just cursing, garbage covered losers
Me: My weight is up. I really hate winter.
Him: Don’t be discouraged. You’ll bounce back in spring once you shave your legs.
This tape doesn’t even taste like scotch.
Don’t stay together for the kids. Stay together because neither one of you wants to raise those monsters alone.
*all the animals gathered around Adam*
Lion: Tell us again how you named us
Deer: Yes tell us tell us!
Adam: Well I-
Lumpsucker fish: boooo
Adam: I just-
Cockchafer beetle: BOOOOOOOO
🏙👨🏼
Today I met people who had twin 6 month old babies, and they would not even let me have the one that really liked me. Selfish.
What does it mean when your therapist throws up into the trash can, not once, but twice during your session?
“Hear me out. I know the cookies are a solid fundraiser, but picture this… mobile margarita truck!”
– and that was the last time I was on the planning committee for the local Girl Scouts.
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I love my 5yr old dearly, but if he keeps saying “Dark” Vader I may have to sell him.
Me: Gotta stock up- snow storm is coming!
Cashier: What a cool mom getting all these awesome snacks for the kids!
Me:..for the kids…yeah
Satan: “Waaazzz up?”
God: “Speak of the Devil.”
Satan: “Really?”
God: “Sorry, figure of speech.”
Satan: “Jesus Christ.”
Jesus: “What?”
Me: I dreamed my teacher is making me read out endless values of π
Psychiatrist: Is it recurring?
Me: Not as far as anyone can tell
How do you stop Canadian bacon from curling in a frying pan?
Take away its tiny brooms 🧹
If you want to rob a white person, just say: “Stop, collaborate, and listen,” then steal their stuff while they rap the rest of the song.
do the spectators at golf tournaments know they don’t have to be there
[mustard company office]
*phone rings*
“Yellow”
We squint at the sun because it’s bright.
We squint at people because they’re not.
Some people can never, ever admit they’re wrong. I’m not one of them though I was definitely wrong about you
Interviewer: what would you say if I said you talk too much.
Me:
Interviewer:
Me:
Do people who name their kids Tucker not know about the banana-fana song?
Ok parents who have really clean houses, do you have outdoor pets and outdoor kids? How does this work?
“The Walking Dad,” but it’s just a guy walking around the house turning off lights and muttering that he’s “not made of money”
YOU: Hi.
ME: *breathes in deeply, making my body puff up so that it seems too big to eat*
“Shit! Shit! Shit! Shit!” – When man discovered bears can climb trees as well
if you think about all the people you didn’t marry, you’ve had a positive impact on virtually every life in the world