My wife: Don’t kiss me, your stubble hurts my face.
Also my wife: [has three facial exfoliants that contain sand, walnut shells and bamboo]
You Might Also Like
I just wish my ex husband could look down from Heaven and see me now. But no, he’s still alive.
*Strong man rips a phone book in half
Me: That’s amazing, where did you get a phone book?
The Santa Clause (1994) A man gains a ton of weight after murdering a stranger on his roof
If I don’t clean my house soon, someone is going to bring in blindfolded ppl for a Frebreeze commercial.
I like to hide condom wrappers in my married friends pockets.
[stumbles out of bar with girl]
We’ll be at my place- (struggling to unchain ten speed bike) -in no time, baby
“How’s your love life?”
Well, I went on a date. 45 minutes in I realized it was a turtle in a wig.
“I’m sorry man”
it’s ok. still got laid.
How much more of this can I take?
* piles food on buffet plate *
Him: What’s your fantasy, baby
Me: Me, you and my cat wearing matching sweatersWHERE ARE YOU GOING I HAVEN’T EVEN TOLD YOU ABOUT THE NACHOS
It’s easier for me to bite than my dogs, my neighbors finally get it
how to meditate myself out of criminal intent oh shoot i thought this was google
[sees Facebook friend you haven’t talked to in 12 years just got married] wow thanks for the invite prick did our 5 weeks of driver’s ed together mean nothing to u
“wYd oN vAleNtiNes dAy”
Going to work bro it’s Wednesday
Many hands make light work
It’s just sad how often I see zookeepers breaking their own “Don’t Feed the Animals” rule.
The right person will know this subtweet is about them.
“Oh look, rain! Wait, how do I drive again?” – People
I smoke in the car and the smell is in my clothes, skin, and hair but this gum will cover everything up so no one will know.
– smokers
Netflix and you sit over there.
My 16-year-old dog walked around to my side of the bed this morning & acted like he needed to go outside. As I got up, he proceeded to jump into my spot & promptly fell asleep.
Well played, old man. Well played.
My husband came home at 5:47am & wanted to know why his key wasn’t working. You don’t live here anymore. That’s why.
“[I] broke up with him because I was sick of justifying his trench coat to my friends” – Overheard on the bus
20’s me: heartburn, I don’t believe it exists
30’s: ope, I think that might have been heartburn
40’s: orange juice is a drink for young people
[jungle book]
bagheera: “you can’t fight him like a wolf, you’re NOT a wolf, fight him like a man”
mowgli: [writes a strongly worded e-mail]
IT: So you were hacked? What’s your login?
Me: KENNY…and my password is….
IT: FOOTLOOSE
Me: Wow…How did you know?
IT:
[sees a guy with his foot caught in a bear trap]
Me: dude that thing’s for bears
I feel it is only fair for a recipe to indicate up front how many burners it requires. For example a 3 burner recipe would be a no.
Apparently 50% of people prefer pizza to sex. What is wrong with people? Have they never had pizza?
When someone asks for advice about dumping their partner, they don’t mean in the woods.
I know that now.