I have two goals today. Breathe (nailing it) and shower (wish me luck).
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Strange
cop: i pulled you over for going 68 in a 55
me: dang, 68? can you make that number a little cooler so i can hear the judge read it out loud haha
cop: sure whatever
[later in traffic court]
judge: how were you going 420 in a 55
Being trapped at Burning Man seems almost as bad as being trapped in a conversation with someone who went to Burning Man
If anyone thought the Weather Channel couldn’t possibly get any louder, please stop by my parent’s house right now
“I’d love to go to the moon” I said “but on a full moon day of course, no point going all that way when only half of it’s there”
I like for my resolutions to be attainable so this year I resolve that I will neither become the pope nor will I become a cannibal.
You may find my attraction to Goofy weird, but I don’t give a hyuck.
Kids eat free today? Nice… In that case, I’ll have a water and my son will have the steak and shrimp combo with a kids bud light.
The most important meal of the day is the next one
You’d think my hair would be a little more cooperative considering how many times I blow it per week.
A coworker started telling my kids a story with the sort of zeal you often see from people who don’t have kids of their own. It took less than 4 minutes of inquiries and interruptions for my son to completely break her spirit and bring storytime to a grinding halt. That’s my boy.
Mom, can teenagers drink coffee?
-my 5yo, planning ahead
Once nice thing about working from home? I can be asleep in bed, realize I have a meeting in three minutes, and be dressed and in front of my computer two and a half minutes later. Still drunk, mind you, but dressed.
For a good party trick, drill a hole in the top of your medicine cabinet and fill it with marbles before you invite people over.
Space Cat: *furious as he knocks items off of a shelf and they just float in place, mocking him*
[Halloween]
Lady: what are you this this year?
Me: *dressed as a phone battery meter* I’m at 10% and it’s only 7pm.
Lady: *faints*
How Am I Doing? I’ll Tell You How I’m Doing Volumes: 1-8
15: what do you risk becoming from taking drugs….
Me: …addicted
15: what do you risk becoming from smoking cigarettes…
Me: …addicted
15: what smacked you in the face last night?
Me: …go to your room
*swipes right on my hand mirror
My boss asked me for a brief word. I said “underpants?” and we laughed and laughed and I’m clearing out my desk.
Interviewer: what would you say is your greatest weakness?
Me: probably that I’m easily intimidated by others
I: and your greatest strength?
Me: lulling others into a false sense of superiority
I had day surgery today (nothing big) and they were like “don’t make any important decisions in the next 24 hours bc you might not remember them.” But I had to go grocery shopping. Later Morgan was like “you bought … so much, like a lot, of cheese.”
How to make friends: Put your clothes on backwards so people don’t notice you walking up to them.
The last time I danced in public people gave me money to find a cure.
A Starbucks was robbed at gunpoint this afternoon. The culprits are still at venti.
me: are there really aliens at area 51
pentagon official: that’s confidential
me: then how’d i hear about it
Autocorrect just changed “lady parts” to “lazy parts” and I didn’t wanna change it back because it’s not wrong, to be honest.
Told my husband the best way to get help at Home Depot is to wear yoga pants, but I dunno. It doesn’t seem to work as well for him.
*uneasily answers phone
‘Guess who?’
David?
‘No’
John?
‘No’
Mike?
‘No’
Steve?
‘No, I made you very happy the other night’
Haagen Daz?
‘NO’
Pizza Hut?
80% of marriage is pointedly yelling an irritated “WHAT?!” to make your spouse understand that there’s no chance in hell you can hear what s/he’s saying from five rooms away, around three corners, down two hallways, and over the cacophonous screams of hyper children.