If you’re trying to console someone who has a tattoo with their ex’s name on and they just broke up, don’t say ‘haha that’s tattoo bad.’
You Might Also Like
Walmart: Did you find everything you were looking for?
Me: Well, I couldn’t find-
W: *finger to my lips* Shhh! I don’t actually care.
Me: *spits soup into bucket*
Chef: This isn’t that kind of tasting.
Responding to my friends being honest: “Man, I appreciate you.”
Responding to my kids being honest: “Man, can’t you lie about lunch being good just for today??”
Hey, I may not look like much right now, but believe me, in the morning I’ll look even worse.
Nobody associated with Pizza Hut better say anything controversial. I need my stuff crust pizza
My son has decided he loves avocado toast and now I have to get a second job.
ASK NOT WHAT YOUR COUNTRY CAN DO FOR YOU
ASK IF YOUR COUNTRY IS THE REASON YOU CAN’T LOOK AT YOUR NEWSFEED WITHOUT SCREAMING IN TONGUES
Having a dramatic falling out with somebody is so embarrassing .. people will be like “what happened” and now you have to sound like a 7-year-old
The only double penetrating I’ll ever do is eating the double stuff Oreo I just dropped into my coffee.
Why did they call it a diaper blowout and not a shituation.
My favorite pirate song is “Aye of the Tiger”
I started running today. Also, there is a new mean dog in the neighborhood that interrupted my walk today.
I think it’s cool when websites don’t show what a shirt looks like on a person. Wow it looks great folded up floating in the Great Void, that’s exactly how I am going to wear it.
Hey, thanks for having me over… But, It smells like something died in here and I’m pretty sure it was the housekeeper…
my dentist hates when i call him a face gynecologist
Drilling a hole is boring, but fastening pieces of metal can be riveting.
What’s pink and fluffy?
Pink fluff.
What’s purple and fluffy?
Pink fluff holding its breath.#RubbishJokes #PinkDay
#ThursdayVibe
Told my son I went into labor on thanksgiving but he came on Black Friday and he asked me if I got a discount.
Our roofer is concerned (long story) that “our little ones might eat mulch.” I’m more concerned he’s seeing little ones I don’t know about.
If ever a burglar entered my house, I take comfort in knowing they’d never get past the 17 pairs of shoes in the hallway.
Did you know that you can buy fake teeth online and just glue them to whatever the hell you want?
I’m pretty sure I have all of those countless hours spent playing Tetris to thank for my mad dishwasher loading skills.
if you’re not in my circle of trust , you’re probably in my triangle of suspicion or rhombus of doubt.
I’m sorry I thought your dog’s name was Maverick and your kid’s name was Cooper
“I’m on my way!”
-Someone who won’t be leaving for at least 20 minutes
Slept with my makeup and now my pillow looks like the shroud of Revlon.
I found a few packages of paper towels at the grocery store today, so I looked around to see if I was being punk’d.
{In the Bedroom}
Wife: C’mon baby, DEEPER!
Me: *frantically reaching between the mattress and headboard* I’m trying! I don’t feel the remote anywhere.
Before kids: I’m going to age like fine wine.
After kids: I’m aging like cheese. Left outside.