Me (internally): Please say bedridden, please say bedridden…
Dr: You look great! See you again for a check up next year.
Me: sigh
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Mom, can I have another piece of pecan pie?
“You mean MAY, not CAN”
Ok, mom can I have another piece of pemay pie?
Met a man named Drew like 3 days ago. We exchanged numbers. This morning I woke up in a group chat, started by his alleged wife, with 8 other women. It’s been comedy and chaos ever since 😂.
When I sign an email “Yours” it’s not a term of endearment— it means this email is now yours I’m done with it get it away from me.
I can’t stand people who are indirect
You know who you are
Not to brag, but my son’s principal hasn’t called today.
A good man is hard to find, but a babysitter for Friday night is harder.
Did you know that if you say Bloody Mary three times into the bathroom mirror no one will bring you one? Ugh this monastery is weak af
There’s “disappointment” and then there’s “Waiter walking past my table with food I thought was mine disappointment”
Nothing in my college degree prepared me for having the cat supervise me while I clean out the litter box.
Them: Are you single?
Me, stuffing food in my face: Oh no. I’m at least a double. Probably a king sized
[pizza delivery]
Girl: Is there an other way I can pay you? *bites lip*
uh HELL YEAH!
*pulls out phone*
see that RT button?
Camels: Can drink 100 liters of water at once and go a full week without rehydrating.
Me: Drinks a thimbleful of water an hour before bedtime and wakes up to pee eight times.
What if we gave the railroad workers LSD?
– inventor of the roller coaster
16yo daughter; “I love listening to the oldies!”
*plays The Smiths
Me: Uncontrollable weeping
The Supreme Court is really just a regular court with tomatoes and sour cream.
Do I still have feelings for my ex husband?
Yes.
I think “stabby” is a feeling, right?
[showing my chiropractor the scene where the robot stretches Mr. Incredible and fixes his back]: This. I want this.
Me- “Sorry I can’t”
Friend- “Why not?”
M- “Working on my book”
F- “Neato! What about?”
M- “It’s a collection of ways to escape obligations”
adulthood is definitely the worst hood I have ever been to
{Pixar Meet & Greet}
Buzz Lightyear: I’m a talking toy
Dory: I’m a talking fish
Lightning McQueen: I’m a talking car
Guy from UP: My wife died
Everyone:
Dory: I’m a talking fish
Mrs Lemon: hi honey. Good day at work?
Mr Lemon: awful. Care for some homemade lemonade?
Mrs Lemon: where… where are the kids?
VIDEO: Multiple raccoons take over the library at Arkansas State »
Hey Young Girls, when a first date suggests you two go to “your place”, take him to Target.
beauty fades, drunken texts at 2am are forever
*Me at a fitness consult
Trainer: you need to cut way back on carbs
Me: what am I supposed to melt my cheese on?
Trainer:
Me : where are you going?
Age is just a number in the same way that a killer whale is just a fish.
Sex is like lasagna – there’s absolutely no reason for it to involve spinach in any form.
Lower back pain is 0/10 stars, do not recommend.
Remember when everyone died before gluten-free bread?
american computer: would u like to enable cookies
british computer: alroyt mate do u want biscuits on yer laptop innit bruv