Just once in movies when someone gently shuts a dead person’s eyes I want them to whisper “Ew, ew, ew, ew.” while doing it.
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*pokes forehead*
Is this thing on ?
They say a long, tight hug releases endorphins to make you feel calm and happy.
I think the guy in front of me at this DMV would disagree.
My kid was very impressed with herself for selecting the pink scented garbage bags, which is interesting because I was unaware that she even knew how trash worked
People are all like “STAY OUTTA MY LIFE GOVERNMENT” and then they shut down and people are all like “COME BACK IN MY LIFE GOVERNMENT”
Me: I get scared. I can’t explain it. It’s a weird feeling when the change happens.
Friend: They’re just transition lenses. Please calm down.
My patience has stretch marks.
Me, at the intervention: “Ah look, all the reasons I drink gathered in one place.”
Cashier: What kind of lettuce is this?
Me: Apples!
*removes “works well under pressure” from resume*
Friend – Your grammar is horrible.
Me – My grammar is 97 and she’s a saint. You watch your mouth
A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single “I’m going out for cigarettes.”
My 4yo thinks you age a whole year in one night, so she’s scrutinizing me closely for any changes today. I’m tempted to put on a bald cap or blacken out some teeth.
Adding “family” to words sucks out all the fun: Vacation? Family vacation. Car? Family car. Movie? Family movie. Affair? Family affair.
why do people romanticize the 1950s? like calm down, we still have milkshakes and racism
whenever i see that someone somewhere has spent a bunch of time making or designing or building something i think about how crazy it is that they never thought to check in with me, the guy with no skills or expertise who spent 10 seconds looking at a tweet about it
The Hallmark channel. Where else can you watch a two hour movie and not recognize a single actor?
*bends over to pick a four leaf clover but gets struck by a falling ACME safe before doing so*
ME: “I’ll have a rum & coke.”
HIM: “I can’t serve you.”
ME: “Because I’m too drunk?”
HIM: “No. ’cause this is a hardware store.”
To whoever has my voodoo doll, please stop making her go to work
“Who took my good screwdriver?”
-Every dad ever
My son told his sister she’d never fit in the trunk and she said she’d prove it and I know I’m supposed to say something as the adult but aren’t some lessons better learned the hard way?
screaming into balloons for an extra surprise when the kids pop them
why do baby clothes have pockets, who is going up to a baby and saying here hold this
who did the taste test?
Children give terrible gifts because they’re poor.
Girlfriend: I think we should spend some time apart from each other.
Me: Hiatus?
Girlfriend: I hate us too.
Big fight at Bible group. Jeff said Jesus was a liberal and Cheryl said Jeff gave her chlamydia
How do dragons blow out candles?
Beards are a privilege, not a right
I walked down a street where the houses were numbered 64K, 128K, 256K, 512K and 1MB. That was a trip down memory lane.