Ironing boards are just surf boards that stopped pursuing their dreams and got a real job instead.
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Commercial for elbows:
A frustrated man steers his car with totally straight arms. “Why did I go with the cheap arms?!”
Narrator: “Elbows”
If you turn the ceiling fan on high enough, you don’t have to sweep.
My uncle got stuck in a cloud while skydiving and lived for 72 days by drinking rain and eating birds that flew too close
My boyfriend is not like other guys. He wants to date me
Forgive me father for I have sinned, last week I hissed at 47 people because I like to pretend I’m a mean cat
me: are you checking me out
librarian: yes
Don’t get your panties in a bunch. The nicer ones are sold individually.
There’s a big difference between seminary school and semenary school.
what do you mean mosquito spray expires? that’s what i’m trying to do. poison them.
9: How old was I when I was 3?
me *grabs hammer* *smashes college fund jar*
If someone tweets in the bathroom they are live streaming.
Me, in my teens: This radio station is playing my jams.
Me, in my 20s: This bar is playing my jams.
Me, in my 30s: This grocery store is playing my jams.
My doctor asked my blood type and I said I don’t really have a ‘type’ I just like blood that makes me laugh
*hears robber in house*
If anybody is there.. I have Updog & I’m not afraid to use it.
“What’s Updog?”
Not too much haha you?
“Robbing you”
Sure sex is great but have you ever made the right amount of rice?
I once dated a girl so my pet rock wouldn’t be embarrassed after he threw himself at her window.
Mirror mirror on the wall, can I call you Jim or something cuz I’m not saying mirror mirror on the wall every time. That’s just ridiculous
If you think you have a stupid question, just remember NASA engineers once asked Sally Ride if 100 tampons were enough for a 7 day mission.
If you’re not happy single you won’t be happy married. Happiness comes from eating potatoes, not from relationships.
Halfway through my stand-up routine I started getting heckled. The crowd shouted such insults as “This sucks” and “Stop it” and “Why are you doing this to us, Mom?”
If you like constant interruptions when you’re [no you can’t have a snack] trying to get something done, then parenting [leave the cat alone] might be for you.
Donald Trump has all the resources to be Batman. Instead, he chooses to be Donald Trump.
If you’ve been waiting me to drop a lent tweet, I tried coming up with one and gave up.
CYCLOPS: How do u spell Hawaii?
WIFE [biting lip] well..u need 2 i’s
CYCLOPS [puts pen down] my life is just a joke to u isn’t it Linda
I’m no candle in the wind. I’m a flamethrower at a baby shower.
[at the beach, about to get in the ocean]
“but i don’t want my stuff stolen”
*covers it with towel*
“ok now it’s safe”
I’m a dirty bird.
*shits on your windshield*
I call my phone Lois because it doesn’t recognize me without my glasses
I always bring a glass of water to bed with me so I have something to knock over in the middle of the night
If bras are called over the shoulder boulder holders then panties should be named under the hip lip grippers.