the embarrassment of competing in a rap battle and finding out your opponent is your doctor who does not care about hipaa violations
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Is that a banana in your pocket or… oh wait that is a banana. Sir I’m with super market security. Please come with me.
Planet of the Apps.
What do you mean my cats can’t be dependents on my taxes?!
I feed them, clothe them, & care for them!
CPA: You clothe them?
Shut it hater.
5yo: What happens when we die?
Me: People fight over your stuff
“I don’t care!”, he tweeted, again.
Hear me out. A waiting room where the doctors wait.
SON: mommy I’m scared of the bogeyman
ME: there is no bogeyman honey
SON: he’s not real?
ME: oh he’s very real. but I hunted him down years ago
SON:
ME: there was so much blood
SON:
ME: [whispers] his head is in the basement freezer
Telling her you’re a magician is tricky business. First, tell her you’re a puppeteer. Watch her face drop then say, “just joking.”
NOW tell her you’re a magician.
Kid, texting: MOM I’M HUNGRY!
Mom: *sends food emojis*
me [kidnapped]: do you know how horses are compensated for their work
captor: i don’t care
me: they get paid under the stable
captor: let her go we don’t deserve this kind of trauma
AM I BEING GASLIT????
My credit card was confiscated three days ago.
Jeff bezos just called to make sure I was okay.
Shoulder devil: Do it! Do it!
Shoulder angel:
Shoulder devil: Oh he long gone
I saw this post on Tumblr awhile ago and I liked the visual so much I had to draw it
🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀
[company meeting]
Manager: $5000 in office supplies have gone missing. We are making some changes.
Me: [in paper clip chainmail, sweating]
If she’s your girlfriend why is she leaning over the side of the boat to touch me in a way she will never touch you?
Starbucks says it will close 150 stores next year.
And that’s just in one mall.
This is the most amazing dad shit I’ve ever seen. Dude let the baby go, caught the ball, recovered the baby mid air, only spilled a drop of beer and the baby didn’t drop the bottle.
Legendary!
Almost done with my screenplay about the end of the world, and only cats survive.
I call it “Apocalypse Meow”.
Being a parent is kind of like being a Scooby Doo villain. I would’ve gotten away with so many things if it weren’t for these meddling kids.
Shouldn’t elevators have a different name for the trip back down?
@NoogsCorner
Sub-Zero: Ok fineScorpion: Give me a hug
Sub-Zero: Umm no..
Scorpion: GET OVER HERE
My standards in my 20’s- brooding & poetic
30’s tall, nice smile, secure job
40’s – hmm I bet that shouty homeless guy would clean up nice
Spanish Government: Anything further to report?
Shakira: No.
Shakira’s hips: YES!
Cain was the first to call out Abelism.
Before you storm out of a room, make sure you take your phone.
kid: 5 more minutes
dad goat: no it’s pasture bedtime
I just walked into my bedroom and the window was open, so the door accidentally slammed shut behind me. That should keep my family sufficiently terrified for the next few hours.
Might send husband a nude so he’ll come upstairs. Then I’ll make him help with the laundry.
I’ve spent the six years trying to learn Braille via hospital elevators. So far, I know elevator.