My nephew asks so many questions that Alexa just told him it’s okay to bathe with the toaster.
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Summer is here! You know how I know? Cause it’s kinda hot outside. And because my panties have little watermelons on them.
*Beethoven & orchestra take stage*
HECKLER: (chanting) Ode to Joy! Ode to Joy!
Beethoven: –we’re gonna play some new stuff
HECKLER: boooo
Publisher: I’m just having a hard time caring about what happens to the main character.
Me: It’s an autobiography.
Publisher: If you kill her off and have the story focus on her love interest, people might actually read it. He seems great
my ex just blocked me on twitter but i’m not gonna text him to ask him why bc i’m mature, i respect his boundaries and also he’s already blocked my number.
Just replaced my mailbox with a trash can.
ZOMBIE 1: why do we eat brains?
ZOMBIE 2: because. It’s food for thought! haha
ZOMBIE 1: [sigh]
My body is a wonderland, but like, the “Alice In” type. Everything is the wrong size. Tons of tea in there. Cats everywhere.
BOSS: quit listening to Vanilla Ice, participate in the meeting, and pay attention
ME: so… stop, collaborate, and listen?
BOSS: you’re fired
wife: “remember when i said you were too friendly all the time?”
me: [making cup of tea] “no im not”
burglar: “two sugars please”
The dinosaurs didnt “rule the earth” they were just alive stop giving them credit for administrative skills they almost certainly didnt have
When the chicken shop gives you chicken instead of change?
I guess it’s legal tender.
I startled a mom and her kids in the Back To School aisle today at work.
I came around the corner and yelled SUPPLIES!
My kids can be difficult sometimes, but my mom always assures me that I deserve it.
In space, no one can hear you scream. Because it’s space, and everyone is on the ground. What are you even doing up there?
My doctor told me to eat more Taco Bell.
Well he actually said “less McDonald’s”, but I’m pretty sure I know what he meant.
me: can i borrow $100
friend: promise u won’t buy drugs with it
me: oh i already have money for that
Love means never having to say you’re sorry.
…so does murder.
I don’t understand people with clean houses. My house looks like a hurricane and tornado broke in, got into a brawl, and left
[buying food when i’m full]: I need but half a carrot and a thimble of cottage cheese in my pantry
[buying food when hungry]: give me 8 jars of lard. bring me a cow
It’s so rude how many of you have the audacity to be out peopling around whenever I go somewhere
if your name is Christy and you’re fighting a custody battle in Orlando. fire your lawyer bc I found your whole case file at the bar last night.
JOB INTERVIEWER: So what are your biggest weaknesses?
HE-MAN: Well, I-
*job interviewer’s fake mustache falls off and it’s Skeletor*
I don’t understand why I cant lose weight. I thought dieting was a piece of cake.
I only had one piece of pizza at dinner tonight. One huge round piece.
HIM: Do you have raisins?
ME: I have grapes and patience.
Survivor, except it’s just me holding in my pee while talking to a guest at work.
My daughter has to give a weather report for school and I hope she does a good job and gets everything wrong.
Aquarius: Your career is moving forward this week. Not with you, of course. Wave to it as it drives away in a new Lamborghini.
Nutritionist: if you can’t pronounce the first ingredient on the label, you shouldn’t eat it
Me: ok
[at grocery store]
Me: *reading label* k-kw-kwi
Clerk: quinoa
Me: definitely not eating that