Husband: “You should try going to bed earlier.”
Me: “You should take the 3yo to work with you.”
Him: “I’d get nothing done.”
Me: “EXACTLY.”
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Password: 1 upper case letter, 1 lower case letter, 1 stair case, 1 briefcase, 1 in case of emergency, 2 cases of beer, and 1 quesadilla.
Me: You owe me $33.50
Canadian Friend: *hands me a single coin worth $33.50*
People hate on frozen pizza. It’s tough on the teeth, but so refreshing on a hot summer day.
I start undressing you with my eyes. About halfway through, your zipper gets caught on my cornea and I start screaming in agony.
I keep getting super sexy tweets with pictures of beautiful women in my “for you” list and I’m starting to wonder if Twitter knows something about my sexuality that I don’t.
It’s a day for learning unwanted facts.
I predict that the Institute for the Future won’t exist in five years time.
Me: Well, would you look at that. This Oreo package isn’t resealable. Guess I better eat them all.
Husband: But the seal is right th….
Me: *talking loudly* NOT RESEALABLE!
[on phone with poison control] How much would I have to swallow to be just sick enough to miss work for a few days?
Barber: “How would you like your hair cut, sir?”
Me: “With scissors.”
Barber: “Very good, sir.”
*puts samurai sword down*
I feel a special bond w/ ppl that always pop up in my ‘May Know’ Facebook window. Like u see me,I see u &we’ve both agreed not to be friends
The strangers on this cruise are getting really sick of me eavesdropping and interrupting with “I’m in the same boat.”
Someone asked me why I was wearing a fake AirPod… bro that’s my hearing aid
[me dress shopping]
“Ohhhh that’s cute”
*an 80 year old buys it*
I love how once you hit 30 every conversation can be turned into a competition for how little effort was put into pulling a muscle.
Sorry, I sometimes blackmail people when I’m nervous….
A message for people with imposter syndrome:
The Pentagon just announced they miscalculated by $3 billion, you’re doing fine (unless you are this one accountant at the Pentagon)
For the ones in the back.
“Hindsight is 2020” will be a literal phrase when future generations want a guide of what not to do
If you walk in on a girl giving birth in the bathroom at Applebees, don’t judge her, you’re also eating at Applebees.
Gemini: Please stop touching the Amulet of Unceasing Regret. It’s not a toy.
I hate weddings, funerals and the symphony. I never know when to clap.
Because I’m on diet, I only ate half of a donut and saved the other half for 2 minutes later.
When someone blows a kiss at me I karate chop it right in half.
My husband found me lying on the sofa and said the kitchen was a complete mess. I said, “I know. That’s why I’m not in there.”
“You got any plans tonight?”
Me: Yeah, sorry I do
The plans:
do i think every one of the theories about kate middleton are batshit insane and the people who thought of them need to be examined? yes
have i absorbed every single one of them like a thirsty worm in the desert? absolutely
stephen king’s mind:
what if dog…bad?
what if car…bad?
what if clown…bad?
what if hotel…bad?
*eats an unpatriotic amount of pasta*
I sure do wish my gasts would stop getting flabbered