[walks in to UPS store holding rabid raccoon]
Hi my boyfriend said he wants to take a break so I’d like to ship him this please.
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The amount of things I charge in the evening is why I’ll be the first to go in next apocalypse
Finding the smoke alarm with the dying battery is just the adult version of Marco Polo.
Dog: *turning in circles before she lays down*
Me: [extreme Ross voice] Pivot… Pi-VOT… PIVOT!
You can have kids or you can always know where your scissors are.
You can’t have both.
Hoping for an even stronger cup of coffee, I just replaced the water in my coffee maker with coffee. Now we wait.
I will not kill my coworkers
I will not kill my coworkers
I will not….Maybe just one…
5, to her brother: I’m going to punch you in the head.
Me: We don’t hit. Keep your hands to yourself.
[pause]
5, to her brother: I’m going to kick you in the head.
Autocorrect changed “Put Bacitracin on it” to “Put bacon on it”.
Fine, we’ll try that.
Remember kids, don’t light your own fireworks. Have the adults who have been drinking all damn day do it.
I don’t like to brag, but we just threw my 5-year-old a birthday party and nobody cried.
An unboxing video but it’s the toys my kid buried under her bed and forgot she had…
‘Your place or mine?’
Is the sexiest response to the question:
‘Where shall we bury the body?’
My GPS just told me to turn left into a cornfield and now I’m afraid it wants to murder me.
Of COURSE the government would keep aliens a secret from you people. You can’t even handle different kinds of humans.
To stay safe in a fire, remember the acronym “DBOF”:
Don’t
Be
On
Fire
One-year-olds do not care about your carefully arranged baby activities or the toys designed by professionals. One-year-olds wish to fling wide the portals of the kitchen cabinetry and make it a temple to Chaos. The children yearn for the rummage
Wife [returns home] have you eaten
Me: have you eatenWife: are you copying me?!
Me: are you copying meWife: I Love You
Me: I already ate
A Black Mirror episode where you wake up and all TV & movie actors are Tom Hanks. In fact, everyone you know is now played by Tom Hanks. You go crazy and live out your life in an insane asylum. At your funeral, your rising soul looks down at your casket, where Tom Hanks lies dead
if I was ever in prison I’d quickly assert dominance by giving everyone a fabulous makeover
While it’s true that gay marriage doesn’t nullify straight marriage, if Beyoncé was born on your birthday it’s not your birthday anymore.
him: you’re not like other girls
me, at the urinal next to him: how
It’s so rude how nobody has fallen madly in love with me today
Preparing myself for a post apocalyptic wasteland by learning how to sleep without the TV on
My son just told me he wasn’t a huge chicken fan and I told him I too prefer normal sized chickens and then my wife called the cops.
A super villain who foils all your plots, but your plots are just lasagnas and he makes them cook super unevenly.
I’m texting hubs a grocery list one item at a time so he can experience his phone blowing up
I suspect that my cat has plans to kill me, but has just never been awake long enough to carry them out.
Advantage: human.
Now that I’m vaccinated I’m up for any social activity as long as it starts at six, ends by seven, involves food and doesn’t require real pants.
If you live in an apartment in NYC you’re already part of the tiny house movement. You’re just in denial and paying too much.
Someone: wanna hear something interesting?
Anxiety: for the love of God say no SAY NO
Me: sure
Anxiety: you brought this on yourself