Me: I haven’t been able to keep the house clean for 10 years
My 10 year old: Hey that’s how old I am
Me: What a coincidence
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For Christmas my wife gave me a coupon for “Swimming with Sharks.”
I got her a coupon for “Bungee Jumping.”
We both have a death wish or we have been together too long.
Jurassic park gets weird
2022 be like
The invisible woman had sex with the wolfman and now they’re expecting a where-wolf.
If anyone out there is named Aesop dear god please open a table store I have just the name for you.
My teeth are so crooked they should run for office.
If by yoga you mean reaching the outlet to plug in my charger without getting out of bed, then yes, I do yoga
God is watching everything. God is sitting on side upper birth.
Hello? I’d like to rent one bouncey house, please. How many will be using it? Just one. Her age? Uh. Four……..ty-seven.
me: no thanks I’m a vegan
person handing me a baby: what
In order to catch herpes…
You need to think like a herpe.
plant them where lol
Don’t believe in aliens, huh? Explain how people in the 1800s got on top of those bicycles with the huge front wheels.
[dollar tree]
CASHIER: i’m sorry sir but we don’t actually sell trees that grow dollars
ME: get me the manager
[trying to impress fiancée’s entire family]
Waiter: Your bill for-
Oh I got it! [looks at bill & spits wine] WHO ORDERED THE “SUBTOTAL”?!?
Call me ignorant, but I have no idea what you’re talking about.
– “That’s exactly what ignorant means.”
I don’t get it.
I would be putting Jesus in my body every night if only he had chosen cookies over bread
A minute, 45 seconds.
How long I’ll hold my hands under a restaurant faucet before I finally realize it’s not motion activated.
me: honey you need to embrace your flaws
wife: ok [hugs me]
Gas isn’t that expensive, at least not when you’re siphoning it from your coworker’s tank anyway
my wife said she was trash, so i said that must make me an opossum, and i think we just renewed our vows
There’s a Canadian on vacation somewhere in Florida right now telling everyone they meet Y’ALL DONT KNOW WHAT COLD IS
[throws salad into a garden]
Go home boy…you’re free now.
My mom was concerned about my drinking so I told her I was done drinking for good. She let out a sigh of relief until I told her I was now drinking for evil.
White girl frustrated in the 1700’s:
“I shan’t even”
The National Spelling Bee is on ESPN which makes sense because I remember that one year a kid pulled a hamstring trying to spell ‘scherenschnitte’.
What if we’re all misreading this photo and the lobsterwoman is so powerful that she’s actually summoning a lobster out of the ocean into the boat.
This is not how I wanted to learn the Greek alphabet
Warning to ppl who drink & drive, yday while driving, frnd took his arm out to indicate right turn & someone took his beer.
Rascals! #txt
Let’s take a ouija board to the graveyard and make some prank calls