Food bloggers could post a recipe for ice and it’d still be 3 pages long.
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Husband: You need to check the pizza or it’s going to burn.
Me: I think I know how to make pizza. *burns pizza*
ME: Don’t you see, the treasure is our friendship
PIRATE: …Aye
ME: 😊
P: I cherish ya me matey but honestly ya misled me a tad didn’t ya
bigfoot
the abominable snowman
chupacabras
the loch ness monster
a unicorn
mermaids
restful sleep
dragons
a super walmart
werewolves
happiness
cyclops
a 2,000 calorie diet
santa claus
Medical form: Height?
Me: It depends on whether I’m wearing my hair in a man bun.
Medical form: Sex?
Me: Not since I started wearing my hair in a man bun.
Me: [getting ready for work]
Teen [stumbling out of bedroom]: Can you keep it down? I’m on vacation.
Me: [starts testing all the smoke detectors]
Your perfume smells like a funeral parlor. What’s it called? In Loving Memory by Calvin Klein?
Cigarettes only give you cancer if you let them. It’s called science. Maybe you’d know more about it if you read as many Yahoo Answers as me
my lawyer: deny everything
me: no
If they don’t want me to ash on the floor,maybe they should put some ashtrays in this gym
Throwing away expired eggs like some sort of millionaire
Shout out to coworkers that wait until the final 5 minutes of a meeting to ask 20 questions. We all hate you
Great, iTunes terms and conditions has changed and my attorney is on vacation. Just perfect.
“I don’t understand swimming. You don’t see fish going for a walk.”
If the US ever decides to change its currency from the dollar to the unmatched tupperware lid I’ll be a very wealthy man.
Me: “I’ve been really under the weather lately.”
Doctor: “When did your symptoms start?”
Me (checks watch): “1985.”
I’ve been putting a scoop of sherbet on my neighbor Leslie’s car, every morning for six years. Today he shot me with an arrow.
Ugh I’ve put on so much weight. Can you believe I used to be 7lbs 9oz?
Thinking about how if early humans had obituaries how many of them would just read, “He tried a new kinda berry.”
Terribly Tuesday.
Grimace: *commits crimes against the United States*
Law Enforcement: “We believe we’ve identified the purpletraitor”.
When I go grocery shopping I start with the heavy stuff: bags of dog food, gallons of water. This increases your cart’s ramming power if things start to get ugly in the soup aisle.
Another day another dollar.
~ World’s slowest counterfeiter
Therapist: OK, lie on the couch for me.
Woman: I’m a penguin.
Therapist: No, I meant lie down.
Damn, can’t believe I’m getting all of this backlash just for being objectively shitty
Just gonna wait to see how long it takes this police sketch artist to realize I’m describing him.
Call your doctor if there are more than 4 wolves inside of you.
*bank robbery*
ROBBER: nobody moves, nobody gets hurt!
ME: *gazing tearfully at a pic of my long distance gf* too late
valentines day should involve piñatas so single people can vent and still get candy lmao
In a bad place rn, not mentally just flying over Birmingham
ME: So listen, if we pay a little extra, can we have the baby in color, instead of black-and-white?
ULTRASOUND TECHNICIAN: Sir, I’m gonna explain this one more time…