The best thing about wearing socks all the time is being able to clean coffee spills without lifting a finger.
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Why do meteors always land in craters?
me, speaking to my daughter’s class on the importance of eating your vitamins: one time i got lost in the forest for so long i dropped dead & a sheepdog ate my carcass.
some smart aleck kid: if you died then how are you here right now?
me: {i look him square in the eyes} vitamins
Hubs: Why can’t we use the good china?
Me: Because that’s for if the Queen comes to visit
Hubs: um…
Me: oh bugger!
living in a small apartment and not being able to find something is so embarrassing. like there’s three square feet in here what do you mean you cant find it
I believe that growing up watching Porky Pig cartoons have contributed to my lack of pants.
[at the club]
Me: I got the moves
Her: it’s “runs”
COP: So what happened?
ME: He stole my watch & ran away down the road
COP: Can you describe it?
ME: It’s like a big path that cars drive on
I don’t mind the thought of guardian angels watching over me. I just want them to stop giggling when I shower.
Doctor: Was it all fun and games?
Me [missing an eye]: Yah, up to a point
My eyes are seared by the blood soaked nightmare of the hellscape before me.
The pungent odor of the wretched, tortured souls burns my lungs.
I struggle to breathe…Me, in the DMV waiting room
“boys are only interested in one thing” yes and that thing is artisanal olive oils
Shoutout to all the bank robbers who aren’t being taken seriously anymore.
me: I need to buy new stamps so I’m not sending out condolence cards with Disney villain stamps on them
friend: no one grieves like Gaston, acts bereaved like Gaston
me: how are you doing this
friend: no one orders ornate funeral wreaths like Gaston
Me: Going to the concert with my friends now
Wife: Say hi to everyone for me![Later]
Me *individually greeting 10,000 people* this is exhausting
Gonna pull a Timon & Pumba and start singing a song about not giving a shit at peoples funerals
Canada has Nova Scotia but won’t tell us what happened to Scotia. What are they hiding?
Mommy, what are these?
“Put them back they are sleeping pills!”
Oh, then you shouldn’t yell
“Why?”
[whispering] YOU’LL WAKE THEM UP
if i was the one who drove the titanic i bet i could have hit at least 3 ice bergs before it sank
Me: Wow, I would pay to see that.
Theatre Ticket Office: Yes Sir, that’s the general idea.
before camouflage clothing was invented, people would just stand still and make tree noises.
More like Kate Missington.
why isn’t he texting back
I’v been catfishing my best friend Dave for the last 3 weeks. He’s gunna pay me that $50 he owes me or I’m showing these emails to his wife.
My 3yo just had the biggest meltdown and at one point he yelled “I’m going to sneak out of my room in the middle of the night and barricade the kitchen and so nobody in the family can eat food ever again” and I just don’t know. No parenting book could have prepared me for him.
I’m prepared for anything, as long as it isn’t hard or boring or scary
ME: Cant sleep. Theres too much going on in the world
MY WIFE: Whats bothering u?
ME: If Garfield didnt have a job, why did he hate Mondays?
You’re telling me a beagle isn’t half bear half eagle?
My doctor said I need to eat more greens, so I got myself a pint of mint ice cream.
I’m down 10 lbs since Christmas and all I did was drink more water and stop eating gingerbread houses.
My sister is holding her baby in one hand and a cup of Starbucks in the other, I’m going to toss her phone at her to see who gets dropped.