My mum tells me that she turns the internet off when she goes to bed, incase you’re wondering why your screen just went blank.
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*Me coming home after a frustrating day*
Grandmother: *sensing I could use a win* How about those…upped dogs, eh?
Boss: can I get an update
Me: glitches out and fails to install
Sure I collect antiques, if you count the late-century spices in my pantry.
Picture a travel softball team doing a TikTok dance in a public restroom.
Now picture me stuck in the stall because they have to re-record 12 times to get it “post-worthy.”
Can you guess where I’m tweeting from?
You girls were right about these yoga pants. I have never been more comfortable walking back and forth from the buffet at the Golden Corral
If you lean on the car horn for more than 2 seconds, the airbag should deploy and shatter your hand against your own forehead.
“Welcome to the future. Let me show you around. Here’s the bathroom. This is a robot that we invented that screams at your wet hands.”
My new lady Dr just flirted with me. Bit her bottom lip and told me I’m too sweet.
*Her exact words were “severely diabetic,” but I know how to read the signs.
Every raccoon is either planning a heist or in the middle of a heist.
Growing up, a lot of people had crushes on Jennifer Aniston. I just liked her as a friend.
*First Date*
Me: I really like what you tried to do with what’s left of your hair.
There are two wolves inside me, one just took a brisk 1 hr walk while a drinking a gallon of water and the other binged an entire show and downed a pint of ice cream.
Drove to my parents house to exchange ham and coconut cake from 6 feet apart. It was like a weird ham and coconut cake drug deal.
Thinking about how dinosaurs ruled the world for nearly 180 million years and then out of nowhere some giant space rock was like okay it’s mammal time
“I got you this for Valentine’s Day.”
[she opens the box and reveals several People magazines inside]
“I think we should see other people.”
99 times out of ten, I’m making shit up.
Therapist: You saw the red flags though. right?
Me: I thought it was a carnival
The older you are the more you will get dead, so let’s all remember to stay alive, ok?
—my 6 year old spreading cheer at thanksgiving dinner
My niece just said “Birds live in a birdhouse & we live in a people house!” Cute, huh? Wrong; my niece is 26 & on trial for manslaughter.
Me: I wish my life was like a Disney movie
Genie: *snaps fingers*
Me: …what changed?
Genie: your mom was shot in the woods
Is he dead?
Is he dead?
Is she dead?
Is HE dead?
What about him?
Is SHE dead?
-My kids watching 80s music videos.
Thank you, true crime show, for saying that was a reenactment. I was pretty upset your camera person didn’t stop that murder.
Stop pronouncing it “Caribbean.” Everyone knows it’s “Caribbean.”
I think that’s enough internet for one day…
I don’t drink coffee all the time.
I take breaks in between to make another one
Sometimes in life, a bump in the road can alter your course in a new & positive direction!*
*It could also be a raccoon, or a dead jogger.
My 4 year old daughter is in the tub screaming song requests at Alexa like a drunk divorcee
Remote start, keyless entry, feature allows me the privilege of losing my keys- while I’m driving.
Hell hath no fury like a small child being told there’s only fruit for dessert.