(Person choking)
Heimlich: Would it help if I gave you a hug?
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COWORKER: turn that frown upside-down!
ME: *rotates head 180 degrees along vertical axis as eyes go black and lights flicker*
CW: uuhh…
Couldn’t of?! COULDN’T OF?? Oh really? You could not of? Interesting.
*pulls a tiny monocle out of a jar of peanut butter*
OH GOD WHY
Listening to my mom tell a story is akin to a verbal version of Russian nesting dolls.
2 kids walk into a forest and try to eat an old woman’s home and she’s the villain? I’m not buying it Brothers Grimm.
4-year-old: It’s not fair. Boys can have beards but girls can’t.
Me: Well, girls can have babies and boys can’t.
4: Want to trade?
Yes officer I know it seems like a lot for personal use.
I secretly replaced my husbands coffee with the empty toilet paper roll he left in the bathroom. Let’s see if he notices.
[being strapped to a medieval torture table]
“tbh not what I thought you meant when you said you were going to show me a nice rack”
3: mommy! Come look, I made a water fall
Me: oh dear god
No, officer, no one is being murdered. I just had to rinse the shampoo out of my child’s hair.
[speed date]
Hi i’m Rob, I like sports, classic rock and have an irrational fear of bees. What’s your name?
Abby
OH SHIT WHERE
Mysteries of #Gravity: Why Bullock’s hair, in otherwise convincing zero-G scenes, did not float freely on her head.
Zelda is the name of the PRINCESS, the guy in green who saves her is named Luigi, idiots.
Even if it’s not cursed, a monkey paw is a terrible gift.
I love how pervasive pockets are. We have jacket pockets, pants pockets, pockets of space, pockets of time, pockets of air, and pizza pockets. Thanks for reading.
Her: We’re having twins!
Me: WHO IS THE OTHER FATHER?!?!!
The Hobbit 4:
Bilbo’s relatives auction off his stuff
Bilbo puts on his ring
One by one, his relatives die under mysterious circumstances
Sometimes I accidentally hit “z” instead of “.” and end up sending texts like “see you laterz” like I’m a cool teen from 2003.
I learned today the the gender neutral version of Sugar Daddy is Glucose Guardian and I support that
What do you mean, “I need space,” are you okay oh my god do you need me to come over and bring space
Remember guys, it costs zero dollars to be annoying to strangers on the internet.
Actually Jesus wasn’t the carpenter, Joseph was. You’re thinking of the Carpenter’s Monster
I’ve noticed many of my friends are in The Grapefruit Window, which means they’re old enough to enjoy eating grapefruit but not yet on medication that prevents them from eating grapefruit.
Me: You must train hard to beat Kylo Ren.
Rey: I already beat him once with literally no training.
Me:
Rey: Look. I still have two hands.
It was just that one time that autocorrect changed mourning to mounting, but never again would my wife ask me to write the eulogy for one of her elderly relatives.
The boy is putting whipped cream on the cat. I think he may have overheard a conversation he didn’t understand quite so well.
Recreational running is the muggle equivalent of drinking unicorn blood. Sure, you’ll probably live longer, but at a terrible price.
It’ll make a big mess and practically break their teeth but they’ll keep eating it anyway
-inventor of the Biscotti
My EX sent me a text today saying “Happy Anniversary” I replied, best one yet.