My phone automatically flagged a bunch of my selfies as “low quality images” and I’m not gonna lie, that stings a bit.
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If you’ve seen one lion attack you’ve seen a maul
All those Tarot cards and not one person at Burning Man saw this coming.
We need more people like this.
I’m on the “Whole Thing” diet. Didn’t eat the whole thing? Boom. Diet.
Took my 8 year old to the Grand Canyon and people asked why I didn’t bring my toddler.
If you know my toddler, and you’ve been to the Grand Canyon you will have your answer.
I’m ready to be a father now that I’ve successfully fed a goldfish for a week-he’s so happy, he’s relaxing & floating on his back…wait…
What type of magazine do cows read?
Cattlelogs.
Does anyone else picture a person actually “squatting” in a house when someone says there’s “squatters” there? or is that just me?
Your mission, Ethan, should you choose to accept it, no pressure, mind you, 100% your call, can’t stress that enough, you and I are cool either way, but in any case, there’s this plutonium…
even if u realy hate sombody, u shoud never insult their physical apearance!!! bc as soon as u dig deeper u will find much stronger insults
Why would a married man buy a hearing aid?
There should be a second ashes they play at night when all the players have had a few
ME: Let’s go get some chicks
[later]
FRIEND: This isn’t what I had in mind
ME: Shhh *carefully places tophat on baby chicken* this is Abe
“What about flying rats with no poop muscles and scissors for mouths?”
– God creating birds
When you’re not sure if people keep waving at you you might need to ease up on the hellocinogens
Having a heart-to-heart with our zoo’s laundry team about using our mooses’ antlers as drying racks.
*dad walks up to me stroking his beard* son, where do we keep the dog treats again? Im hun- *beard falls off revealing my dog. he runs away*
“Does this spark joy?”
[my wife shakes her head as Marie Kondo forcibly removes me from our house]
Guys I’ve run some math on it and this whole Santa business is truly bananas.
99 out of 100 Planet F1tness employees don’t give a fuck. You could smoke a brisket in the locker room, they’re just gonna ride out their shift. That one percent tho…
me when i know i have to be awake in a couple of hours
4 completely accepts that Santa Clause is real, but his mouth drops every time I remind him that his Grandma is my mom.
Imagine how excruciating a conversation between Hodor, Groot, and Timmy from South Park would be.
50 is the new 30. Because it takes 50 bucks to buy what 30 used to.
i’m very suspicious about solar panels. they sit outside sunbathing and they. make energy? yet when i do that i just become a big red freckle? something odd is going on here and it makes me uncomfortable
I like the word amongst. That’s it.
Talk amongst yourselves about it if any amongst you feel the need.
“Siri, show me justifiable homicide.”
My 5-year-old refuses to believe that shells & cheese tastes exactly like mac & cheese but believes there definitely is a dinosaur in his bedroom.
First thing I’m doing after getting vaccinated is going to visit my little brother. Second thing I’m doing is waiting until he uses the restroom to sync my phone with his Nest thermostat so I can change the temperature in his home from anywhere in the world. This is how I love.
My safe word is “insufficient funds”.