ME DRIVING THE TURTLES OUT OF IRELAND: This is taking forever.
You Might Also Like
Women like men who make plans, commit to those plans, and still have a few surprises left in them. This is why your girlfriend is obsessed with serial killers.
#OnMyPetsChristmasList
More red dots please
If we’re ever drunk together and I say “trust me, this will be fun”, run faster than me or have bail money ready.
Autoerotic asphyxiation? No thanks, I’m not much of a car guy.
[party]
What exactly does BYOB mean?“Bring your own beer”
Bill Nye the Science Guy slowly slides the bacteria sample back in his lab coat
I hate when I’m in line for the bathroom and someone asks if I’m in line, like I look like a dude who just waits outside of bathrooms.
When something is boring we shouldn’t call it vanilla. Vanilla is a rich and complex flavor. When something is boring should call it “red velvet.”
ME: [sitting in kitchen writing out bills]
SON: I lost a tooth. I’m gonna leave it under my pillow tonight.
ME: I’d wait until next week.
me: looks like santa came early
santa: this never happens, youre just so hot
You ever stop and think about how lucky your friends are that you put so much effort and care into the memes you send them
[Sitting in your closet]
I’m completely over you.
Wanted:
1 Psychic.You know who you are.
I’m an avid indoorsman.
On average, a person spends about 14 years of their life trying to open ketchup packets.
Someone put the toilet paper roll on backwards and I’m furious and also I live alone
It’s a myth that comedians stop being relevant after they turn 40. I managed it in my mid twenties.
walmart: why do u want to work here?
me: it’s easier to steal if the employees trust me
walmart: why would u tell us that
me: *slowly taking their pen* to build trust
According to the amount of bacon I just cooked. I’m 4 people.
The nice bed in my guest room says “Get comfortable.” But the shower stall with no tub in the bath say “Not too comfortable.”
When you’re at someone’s house? Normal people: “What a lovely house!” Me: “What’s your wifi password?”
Fifty Shades of Grey is only romantic because the guy is a billionaire. If he was living in a trailer park it would be a Criminal Minds episode.
If you are thinking about leaving Twitter because so many of your old friends have already left, remember I’m still here. And that’s another good reason to leave
[meeting a friend’s new baby]
cool so do you have any non human pets?
The first rule of fight club is: you do not tell mom that I let you watch fight club, kids
Insomnia: Hi
Me: Hi
I: Hope I’m disturbing you
M: You are
I: You know what we could do?
M: Let me sleep?
I: HA, no, let’s think about hippos
How to calm a crying baby:
1. Pick it up.
2. Ok, so when it turns like 5 you can put it back down. Good luck.
Financial Advisor: You should think about diversifying your assets.
Me: You mean like buying shorts that aren’t cargo?
Our lovely neighbours politely mentioned our piano was very noisy. So we put it up for sale on the street what’s app group. Their other neighbours on the other side of their house have literally just bought it
i don’t care if it will “benefit our community” stacy. i’m not gonna take off this garfield costume
Adam: Eve, you read the terms and conditions before using that Apple product right?
Eve: Uh yeah, totally