HER: i love mythology
ME: *sensing an opportunity* i love your thology too
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funerals wayyyy too expensive. y’all throw me in an airfryer when it’s my time
sure recipes like “marry me chicken” are cute but where’s the “it’s your turn to clean the bathroom casserole”
I wonder how police on bikes arrest people.
“Alright get in the basket.“
Walmart flexes on me by putting two gallons of milk and a cantaloupe in one bag and a single taco seasoning packet in another.
just can’t imagine being this mad at a pond
Her: What’s the baby playing with?
Him: Marbles.
Her: OMG, she might swallow them!
Him: Don’t worry! They’re not my competition marbles.
Batman-
See, kids?
Even one extremely wealthy white male can make a difference.
If cauliflower can become pizza, you my friend, can do anything.
Cats don’t come with instructions, so how is anyone supposed to know you can’t put them in the washing machine.
Education is vital
Dear guy backing into that tiny parking space.
You’re not Jason Bourne. You don’t need a rapid egress contingency plan for Costco.
“I’ve led you this far so the LEAST you can do is drink, dammit!”
Live each day like it’s going to be the opening line of your eulogy
Walmart is fun because all the workers know nothing except for the one who knows everything and your job is to figure out which one that magic worker is
My son went into a bank 5 mins ago and I’m waiting in the car. Now I’m hearing sirens in the distance and I’m hoping I’m not a getaway car.
Starbucks, where 11 members of staff frantically do things behind the counter, yet not one of these things appears to resemble a hot drink
Americans will literally use anything BUT the metric system.
Army ants must REALLY hate boot camp.
My husband calls me Sugar and my dog’s name is Sugar so when he says, “C’mere Sugar” there’s an awkward stare down between me and the dog.
MY LAST MEAL ON DEATH ROW WILL BE RICE CAKES CAUSE THEY NEVER FILL ME UP AND I’LL JUST KEEP EATING UNTIL ALL THE GUARDS DIE
someone on this conference call just said “the ball’s in our court so we’ll touch base internally and then follow up to get on the same page” and for a moment i seriously thought i was listening to a parody of a meeting
I love the idea of a fruitarian, just morally affronted that anyone could eat a baby spinach.
My kid woke me up at 3AM to tell me there’s a monster in her bed and I just can’t wait to tell my wife what my kid called her.
*travels back in time*
*follows Albert Einstein*
*waits for him to trip*
*yells “Way to go, Einstein!”*
*returns satisfied to present*
The dry cleaners lost my freak flag.
Imagine your relief if you had a dream your daughter was dating a DJ then woke up & remembered she was dating a ferris wheel operator.
Boycotting the Winter Olympics because it’s too frickin’ cold.
We keep a potato masher in a drawer because sometimes it’s fun to not be able to open that drawer.
I just cleaned out my purse. So, I’ll be having a garage sale later this afternoon.
the plan to cancel student loan debt would be a slap in the face to those of us who learned to Walk Thru Walls and make disembodied noises every time the debt collector calls