I wanted to go out tonight, but the avocado I bought last week will finally be ripe enough to eat between 9pm – 9.15pm so I can’t.
You Might Also Like
People have all types of advice on getting a tick to pull out of your skin; Vaseline, matches, alcohol, mayo, etc. FOOLPROOF technique? Take it out to a fancy dinner and tell it you really see a future in the relationship and have always dreamt of having many children.
If you’re in a revolving door with me, know that I’m only pretending to push.
Incredible news from Britain. This changes everything
Doing word problems as a kid as helped me in adulthood. “Dan doesn’t have enough money for his bills, how long before he is homeless?”
Always let those you hate have the lion’s share.
Then tell the lion.
Forget sexy talk. I want breakfast talk. Describe those waffles to me nice and slow.
Moment of silence for those who received mugs that aren’t microwave and dishwasher safe
I don’t hold a grudge. I need both hands free for the chainsaw.
I’m so glad my great aunt handed down the beautiful, vintage art deco water glasses that I love because my husband has discovered they are perfect for catching spiders.
ROLLERCOASTER ATTENDANT: Please remain seated in the cars. No standing.
ME (already decapitated):
I’ve not watched The Traitors and to be honest it’s not as good as not watching Love Island
I don’t want to alarm anyone, but my doctor says I have an irreversible terminal condition called aging.
“Getting fat” is absolutely a legitimate response to “what have you been up to?”
I wonder if Mariah Carey knows it’s possible to sing a high note without pointing her finger in the air?
I didn’t think there’d be a sequel for “To Kill A Mockingbird.” I just assumed that they all lived Harper Lee ever after
*gets hit by car*
me: it’s ok buddy can happen to anyone*friend says I’ll call you right back and doesn’t*
me: there can be no forgiveness for this
Me: I think that’s Dave
Wife: It’s not Dave
Me: Gonna wave to him
Wife: Don’t!
Me: Hey Dave!
Auctioneer: New bidder at $80,000
Me: It’s not Dave
If i’m in the mood for some jazz i just throw an orchestra down the stairs
Prosecutor: What exactly were you doing May 26, 2016?
Me: According to my tweets, I was sitting in my car eating Wendy’s.
Most women need a little reassurance.
Like when she says “oh, you want to see crazy?” Reassure her that you do not.
oh u love jesus “with all of ur heart”? name 3 of his albums
This is exactly why pilots do a ‘walk around’ prior to flying. If not, the low tyre pressure on this aircraft (left in picture) would not have been detected. #Safety
Neighbours kids just challenged me to a water fight.
I’m just tweeting while I wait for the kettle to boil.
my Roomba bravely tries to trip my attacker as they chase me through the house
Get in, there’s no time to explain.
Nobody:
Me: “What if dinosaurs really just had that Kardashian vocal fry?”
me: I thought you would like it
grandpa: why would you think that
hospice clown: I should go
So bored I just logged into my LinkedIn account.
Hang on, dude in the stall next to me has a Spanish soap opera on. I have to find out if this chick’s pregnant.
The first step is admitting that the other person is the one with the problem.