Me: *has cold*
Internet remedies:
-feed it
-deep breaths
-stay active
-fast
-don’t breathe
-suspend yourself in mid air
-click like and subscribe
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I’m a new werewolf and I have questions
-where am I going
-do I have to stay up all night I like to go to sleep at 9pm
-is howling at the moon necessary I have sensitive vocal chords
-do i really have to hunt & kill things I have a gluten allergy can I just go to Whole Foods
Never debate an idiot. Idiots never know when they’ve lost. That’s one of the reasons they’re idiots.
ME: Can you have it fixed by Friday?
ABACUS REPAIR GUY: I wouldn’t count on it.
ME: I know. How about Friday?
therapist: these people who think you’re “funny” *takes off his glasses* are they in the room with us right now?
[god on LSD creating Donald Trump
What if a car alarm that constantly goes off for no reason were a person?
The directions to this wedding are in kilometers. I’m either going to be way early or way late.
Interviewer: what interests you about this job?
Me: the pay
Interviewer: can you be more specific?
Me: cash
Was complaining to my mom about my daughter’s attitude and she told me I should’ve named her payback.
Whoever figured out that you can make cake in a mug in under a minute was probably really going through some shit.
My son talks a lot of shit about knowing how to sit and not swing in a hammock for someone who is currently sprawled out on the ground underneath a hammock
Friend: Show her you will go the extra mile.
[Later]
Her: You passed our stop.
Me: I am aware.
Junior scholars: “I feel awkward citing myself”
Senior scholars: “as I cleverly argued (1988; 1991), admirably reiterated (1993; 1995; 1996); and handsomely concluded (2001; 2004; 2007)…”
pat pat
No more excuses…
…I’m canceling that gym membership.
I was offered a brownie at work and when I opened the box, it was filled with brown colored letter E’s.
5’s friend told him his mom makes play doh. Thanks Pinterest. I’m already expected to cook 3 meals a day, now I have to cook their toys too?
I only eat free range chicken because I only eat food that was given the illusion of freedom before it was murdered
I hate people who get paid to write toddler’s books.
They put together like 20 words and then find something else to draw the pictures.
Clearly the people that design refrigerators don’t know me if they think 1 tiny cheese drawer & 2 giant vegetable drawers is the way to go.
I asked my cat if they communicate by meowing, he didn’t answer, a couple minutes later I sneezed and he jumped off the chair looked back in disgust and meowed, I think we all know what he said…
(My first day as a Judge): Bay leaf! Season the prisoner!
Courtroom:
Me: … Well this is embarrassing
Instagram better not use my cloud pics. THEY’RE MY CLOUDS GET YOUR OWN CLOUDS ZUCKERBERG!
Movember is over, so this week anyone looking like a pedophile is actually a pedophile.
Her: How do you do it w/ 4 kids?
Hubs: With the door locked.
Me: She means how do we manage…but yeah.
Highly Misleading Pictures That Will Make You Need To Look Twice At To Understand
[toddler saves Michael Cera from drowning]
Good Morning guys! Just ran 21 kilometers in 2.8 hours. Really didnt know I could have done it.
Temple Run is a really motivating game.
Husband: Trust is fundamental to marriage.
Me:
Husband:
Me: I’m still not letting you cut my hair.
Waking up and having 3 hours before my alarm goes off: *sleeps*
Waking up and having 3 minutes before my alarm goes off: *SLEEPS FASTER*
Me: Wanna have a quickie?
Wife: Sure!
Me: OMG really?
Wife: Wait. Did you say quickie or cookie?