Best spot.. 😅
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I keep every love note I’ve ever written because one day I’ll have grandchildren who will find them and it’ll fill my heart with joy to hear one of them ask what it means to tongue punch a fur burger.
*my friend pulling the dog’s tail after his surgery*
why isn’t this lamp working
[interview]
HIM: What are your strengths?
ME: Well, I can see dead people.
HIM: Wow, interesting. Any hobbies?
ME: Grave digging
New modem
5yo: What is that?
Me: an alien detector
5: It has a glowing green light.
Me: means it found one.
5: It’s pointing right at you
Me *evil grin* I know
Sadiq’s joke in today’s Time Out 👏🏼👏🏼👏🏼
Sell your car
There are two types of people, those who can’t keep a secret and those who can keep a secret for like five minutes
How to be a politician: 1. Tell people what you’re going to do 2. Don’t do it 3. Change the subject.
Because I fall sleep listening to the meditation video, I’ve never actually heard the end of it. They could play Beethoven’s Fifth on kazoos at the end for all I know.
7yo: What are these?
Me: Cucumbers. Last week, you said you wanted to eat more healthy.
7yo: No, I meant that DAY, not all the time
“I do not negotiate with little kids”
My husband, right before he broke down and gave the kid what he wanted
Tonight I wanna stay at home and watch a movie with my boyfriend.
Can someone recommend a good boyfriend?
Underwear…
Because every present needs to be wrapped.
When the lady at the hardware store pointed down and told me my caulk was hanging out, I nearly had a heart attack!
You know you’re from New Jersey when going through security & they only wand your hair!
It was the kind of movie that kept you on the edge of your seat, waiting for something interesting to happen.
Son: I don’t like it when the house pees on me
Me: OMG just get in the shower
I just saw a guy with the Monster energy logo tattooed on his neck, so if your village is missing their idiot, we have him.
Some of y’all tweet about Mondays like it caught you by surprise
Because everyone in Italy is quarantined, the natural wildlife has returned to the water and forests ❤️ We are the virus
My body’s check engine light has been on longer than Law and Order
My weather app just says, “Oh no.” I wonder what that means?
Bro this is the funniest shit I’ve seen in a minute 😭 the SpongeBob cast dubbed this star wars scene
“I will NEVER forget that one time you wrote a word in all caps”
-my phone
[trapped in the trunk of a car]
him: hey what’s up
me: *forgets why I called* lol not much
As confused as an atheist who’s stuck behind a car that isn’t moving at a green light & has a bumper sticker that says ‘Honk if you love God
The woman selling sea shells by the sea shore must have had a strong personal brand to overcome such a poor business model.
“Oh, I do like Chinese food!”
-My 6yo, eating chicken fingers & fries from The Imperial Bamboo kid’s menu
[Dog asleep on rug] I once killed a bear with my own two paws
[Legs move wildly]
THAT’S IT I’M WAKING HIM
“No Henry. Let sleeping dogs lie.”