My 1 year old kept saying “I lug ya” and I was so excited until I realized he was trying to say “alexa” not “I love you”
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Putting sunscreen on kids feels like cardio
[Camping]
Her: You didn’t bring food?
Him: No
Her: Or toilet paper?
Him: Why would we need toilet paper if we don’t have food?
“One time God gave me a snack!”
– Our 4yo, & we think she was talking about church communion
Me neighbor and I just exchanged nods acknowledging we’re both wearing the same outfit as yesterday.
The last two weeks have been a strange ten years.
Legend has it if u whisper IKEA 3x in the mirror an extra screw will appear & you’ll be haunted by the piece of furniture you ill-assembled.
How are we supposed to fear a storm named Grayson? I’m fighting an urge to iron its prep school uniform or ask it for investment advice.
An example of men’s inability to understand women – Me: I have Nothing To Wear!! Him: Awesome!
Welcome to your fifties, Saturday Night Fever now means lots of rest, cold medicine and chicken noodle soup.
I love the Olympics, but missing Dateline due to the Olympics sucks. One of these athletes better end up being a serial killer or something.
I said something about my Twitter friends to my husband yesterday and he asked me where they live (I don’t know), what they do for a living (I don’t know), if I know their last names (I do not), can I see a picture (sure!), those are cartoons, what do they really look like? (uhh)
Dyslexics are teople poo!
There aren’t too many jobs where you sit around the break room and say “Today I got gonorrhea, and last week I got syphilis,” unless you’re library workers talking about recent reference questions.
Well, well, well, if it isn’t the consequences of my own food choices.
Imagine dating, falling in love, getting married, having kids, and only then realizing that the person you chose is literally incapable of whispering
I hate to get all religious on you but can I just have a minute of your time to talk about my air fryer?
Me: I just heard a noise
WebMD: Cancer
“No more self-deprecating tweets,” I whisper fatly.
#HighSchoolTaughtMe how to solve any math word problem
A Slinky is a great way to teach young children that it’s fun to push things down the stairs.
scientist: don’t touch anything
me: [licked a petri dish already] got it
…20 minutes later
scientist: did you touch something
me: no
scientist: you’re changing colors just tell me what you touched and i’ll save you
me: [about to die] i didn’t touch anything i swear to god
Whoever said your harshest critic is yourself never had an 11 yr old daughter
Someone stole my identity. And then sent it back with $100 and a note that said “So sorry man. Hope things work out.”
Sorry I hacked your e-cig. You’ve actually been vaping a dead bird for a month.
here’s the problem with fruit: it’s inconsistent. some apples are delicious, some taste bad. sometimes blueberries are great, sometimes they are disgusting. you know what’s the same every time? doritos
With all due respect to Marie Kondo if I wanted to actually get rid of all the things in my life that didn’t “bring me joy” I’d just throw myself into a dumpster
Me: Do the dishes.
10-year-old: That’s the worst possible thing you could say to me.
Me: Do the dishes all week.
HEY TWITTER IF I WANTED 10,000 CHARACTERS THAT I WASN’T INTERESTED IN I WOULD START WATCHING GAME OF THRONES
Me: I don’t mean to overstep but I would be a great hire.
Employer: In that case the Ministry of Silly Walks is not for you.
Me *goose step, tippy toe, barrel roll out the door*: Best of luck!
Employer *high kick, sashay to trashcan with resume*: Damn shame.
wife: i wish you’d moan during sex
[later, whilst doing the sex]
me: i wish i was eating a grilled cheese