Here’s how I get my kids to wash the floor: I give them a cup of water without a lid. Follow me for more parenting hacks.
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To all the people with grammatical issues, don’t worry, I also have problems with badly timed periods. 
*throws roll of duck tape into a pond*
Go little guy, you’re free now.
[standing at the threshold like a vampire] my sock has a hole in it
My daughters took turns tracing each other over and over with chalk.
Now it looks like 25 children were murdered in my driveway.
deleting my dating apps and meeting people the old fashion way (3+ years of a sexually tense friendship that devolves into weird cat and mouse games until one of us has to start seeing a psychiatrist)
Me: there’s a swarm of beets outside
Her: you mean bees?
[loud thud on the window]
Me: get the gun
And your jalapeños, are they poppered in house?
When I was a kid we didn’t have to come home until the street lights came on, and sometimes our parents shot them out on purpose.
My dad called and asked which brand of bourbon I would be most thankful for next week.
My mom must have sent him grocery shopping.
People tend to overreact when they look in their rear view mirror & see you sitting in their backseat dressed like a clown.
People say I’m a bad person, but they’re just jealous that they can’t kick pigeons as far as I can.
Me: WHAT DO WE WANT?!
Funeral attendees:
Me (whispering): Grandma back.
My husband called and said he wants tacos for dinner. We’ve been together for 30 years and I still can’t tell whether or not it’s a euphemism.
[at haunted house, as the walls bleed and screams echo through the hallways]
oh cool. our cycles are synced.
me: i recently lost my job
date: oh no what happened
me: the office relocated and i can’t find it
Here, have my marionette set.
“Cool. How much for it?”
Just take it
“For free? What’s the catch?”
No strings attached.
“You son of a bit..”
when you’re locked out of the house and you can see your keys sitting right there on the table
The dog I’m sitting got ahold of a plastic knife and was threatening to eat it, I had to offer her my whole breakfast in exchange for her dropping it, and then I realized I had just literally been held up at knifepoint by a dog over some scrambled eggs
We Didn’t Start the Fire is a great song for many reasons, but one of the most underrated is, like all great history projects, it starts off super detailed & thorough until you realize it’s due the next day & you end up condensing 1963-1989 into like two stanzas
I’m in my 40s and know all the right mauves.
~ Me, flirting
No intelligent people were harmed in the reading of this tweet
When I got my epidural during childbirth I didn’t realize it was gonna wear off before the toddler years
if *I* were a baby with no appointments or responsibilities, I would simply not wake up at 5.45am
My husband started cooking right after I had cleaned the whole kitchen so he’s basically asking for a divorce.
*Orders something on Amazon because I need a box*
In order to save money I installed a sound chip into my wallet. Now when it opens it plays a song by Creed so I quickly have to close it.
If da Vinci were alive today, the “Mona Lisa” would have been called “IMG-20121020-00463.jpg”
At the beach I saw someone in regular clothes, no towel, no beach gear, sleeping face down in the sand. Wasn’t sure what I was looking at. “Do I call the cops? I don’t have any bars and it’s a long walk to the car. Oh good, she rolled over.”
Review of “grandma”: slow, slow-witted, terrified of technology, can’t bench for shit, no karate, basically racist ★☆☆☆☆