I’m sorry for the things I said about you when I was hungry.
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“I can’t fall asleep… I think it’s because I’m talking”
– my 5yo, at 3am, not wrong
[alternate universe]
teacher: and that’s how you do your taxes
student: thank you. what a useful skill i have learned here today
You know how your mom used to get mad and start counting? I think the Earth is at twwwoooo.
“Chantal, is the indicator working?”
“Yes. Wait, no. Now again yes. No. Yes. No.”#FridayMorning #RubbishJokes
Send prayers. Laura on Facebook didn’t realize she was out of syrup until AFTER the pancakes were made! It’s causing quite a stir…
ME: i’d like a Big Bacon Classic, Chili Cheese Fries, and Coke
CASHIER: sir, this is a Wendy’s
ME:
CASHIER: sorry it’s just a reflex, we get a lot of weirdos here
Beast: This castle is your home now, so you can go anywhere you like, except the West Wing.
Me: Okay, but is that right or left?
I tried bringing sexy back, but it scratched me, scampered away, and hid under a car.
I am the physical and mortal manifestation of this sacred image
dont think ive ever laughed as hard over a halloween costume
A pet hedgehog. Because you don’t have enough pricks in your life.
“Hey, boo”
– a casual ghost
Sorry I called the police when I saw you running, I didn’t know you did that for fun.
Wrote a tweet that said “Pizza is never divided by politics.” Was about to hit send.
Then I remembered pineapple .
After a particularly tense morning with 4, she looks me dead in the eye and says, “Did you know there are families without moms?”
It was nice knowing you all.
Got that cool new virus rsv and it feels awesome being early on this one. It’s like doing all your homework on Friday so you don’t need to worry the rest of the weekend
*puts on winter boots*
*trudges through newly fallen legos*
I bought a bag of M&M’s and they don’t have M’s anymore. They all have W’s… for woke
im more than just a birth year and a death year so my tombstone will instead be engraved with a handful of random years i remember enjoying
I bought a treadmill because I ran out of closet space for my clothes.
If a shark attacks you, DO NOT punch him in the nose. Be the bigger person and just ignore him.
Let’s all smash our hands together repeatedly to indicate that we enjoyed that thing.
Me: not today, anxiety!
My kids: hold my koolaid..
Me: The dogs ears are so soft!
Wife: I know!
Me: I want to make a pillow out of them
Wife: …..
Me: Not now obviously, like, when he dies
wasn’t it like… bad on that boat?
GIRL: Spirit, should I have sex with this guy?
ME: *tries to push the ouija pointer to yes but it won’t move* (under breath) grandma, PLEASE
INTERVIEWER: So, do you have any questions for me?
ME: What’s the Wi-Fi password?
I: About the job
M: What is the company Wi-fi password?
My god, horses chased me for 5 minutes.
Most terrifying carousel ride ever.
HILLARY CLINTON: Putin wants a puppet as the US president
KERMIT THE FROG: YAAAYYYYYYYYY!!!
I think if someone said they could read my mind, I’d be like “I am truly sorry!”