If I won the lottery, I wouldn’t go nuts. Probably buy some printer ink, and with what was left over, maybe an avocado.
You Might Also Like
I knife through the icy water like a shark. The spectators gasp in awe. Mall security struggles to drag me fully-clothed from the fountain.
(at the gym). Hey can somebody spot me while I walk up the stairs?
3,026 years from today, life will either be really good or really bad.
It’s 5050.
sorry I didn’t answer when you called, I had 6 Peeps in my mouth
spell your crushes name backwards mine’s ninotores
Overheard neighborhood story:
First person: my husband goes out and hoots at the owl every night around 8 and it answers.
Second person: MY husband goes out at hoots at the owl every night around 8 and it answers.
“I’m wet and have crabs.” That’s what sea said.
[labels account “18+”]
[tweets exclusively about voting & buying cigarettes legally]
So we’ve been saving this hour for four months and we’re going to squander it all in one night?
I tell ya, government spending is out of control.
Frog: WAKE ME UP!
Snake: Wake me up inside!
[reading of my will]
My son: his shoes!?
Lawyer: he instructs me to say you are his sole heir I’m so sorry
*bites off stem and rolls apple into hospital lobby
Watching Mad Men with my girlfriend and trying to distract her every time Don Draper is on screen
I’m not saying I don’t like people… but if someone walks toward me in a library, I’ll plug my headphones into the book I’m reading.
After my upteenth gentle attempt to express my disinterest in the subject matter:
“pardon me, but what sequence of words can I use to end this conversation?” “
🎶 I’m a cat, boy / in a sealed box I hide / I’m Wanted / dead and alive!
– Bon Schröedi
I apparently said “keratin” instead of “ketamine” when discussing treatment options with my psychiatrist, so the bad news is that I remain a terminal depressive, but wow, my frizz is really well controlled.
changed my bio on bumble to “I’m gonna murder ur whole family” and guys still responded
Dear ladies,
if you compliment a man’s car when he’s standing next to it, he’ll kick the car’s tires. Please don’t make it weird by asking why we are kicking the car. Nobody asks why you rub nonexistent hair off your forehead when we tell you you look beautiful.
How do you stop a rhino from charging?
You take away its USB cable.
Christmas tree still up?
that’s a cat tree now.
Problem solved.
*Arrives at work 2 hrs late
Boss: HR wants to see you about your behavior
Me: Well, I literally just got here so it couldn’t have been me
I’ve seen wax fruit less fake than you
never in my 3 days of trading have I ever seen anything like this
ME: I wish my enemies’ hair had nerve endings
GENIE: dude
Due to the weather, I was able to use the words “wet and slippery” at work all day without anyone thinking I’m a big perv.
Lawyer: I’d like to introduce my star witness
Astronomer: Hello
It really doesn’t feel like Christmas until Pavarotti is singing “Oh Holy Night” to the counterpoint of my wife shouting at the cats to get out of the tree
Why are gifts in airports so expensive? God’s punishing you for waiting until the flight home to buy your wife a gift.
cute date idea: we go to home depot, you keep a lookout for security while I grab some of the plants they keep outside, we casually walk away with 2-7 new fruit trees