This old lady in the grocery store was just giving me the weirdest looks and the worst piggy back ride of my life
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Sorry for all the mean things I said when I was driving.
Until zoom life I had no idea how many people dig in their ear.
Has anyone mastered the art of nonchalantly walking past a policeman?
[eating cured meats and mixed cheeses while jumping out of an airplane] lmao pacharcuterie
I keep a baseball bat under my bed in case someone tries to break in and pitch a no hitter
My wife asked if I wanted to go to a pig roast this summer but I’ve been fat shamed enough already this year.
When you and your ex had plans to get married and now you both have each other blocked on everything
help im covered in chameleons & no one believes me
If you remove all the segments where they tell you what’s coming up, Dateline is actually only 13 minutes long.
[sexting]
Her: Are you naked?
Me (taking a shit): Yes
[last supper]
“Tonight, one of you will betray me for 20 pieces of silver.”
“30.”
“Sorry Judas?”
[sips wine]
“I didn’t say anything.”
I was very disappointed when I found out drinking alcohol doesn’t actually kill brain cells, I was hoping to join a political party one day.
Wife: The kids made you these cakes for Father’s Day! What do you think of them?
Me: They’re awful. But at least they made me these cakes
me: your wife’s surgery was a success
him: great. *pulls me aside* so how long until we can have sex?
me: *shrug* I’m free whenever
Who wants a McKnuckle sandwich?
Today I found out my nephew is scared of the vacuum..
Today I also found out I have a very dark cruel evil side to me..
Them: “I hate to be a…”
Me: “Then don’t.”
Ever look at someone and automatically get a headache..
Quick question for the medical professionals, should my blood glucose number be higher or lower than the mileage on my 6-year-old car
Kinda thick horizontal curvy line, two thinner curvy vertical lines, squiggly line, different thicker squiggly line
-Japanese spelling bee
Law Enforcement: We’re cracking down on distracted driving.
Car companies: Here’s a 9-inch TV in your dashboard.
PLEASE HELP MY BIOLOGY TEACHER ASKED WHATS THE OPPOSITE OF “DOMINANT” AND I CONFIDENTIALLY ANSWERED “SUBMISSIVE” TO THE WHOLE CLASS
Had to change my work password twice today and I’m rapidly running out of Brendan Fraser movies.
My boyfriend said he wanted me to wear my sexy undies when we went out!
Cop: just put your clothes back on, you’re scaring the people at poundland
I milked the cow
“We don’t have a cow”
the neighbors’ cow then
“Their cat?”
Pretty sure it was a cow he was saying moo
“Meow”
Ah shoot
8: Can we have peanut butter sandwiches?
Me: No peanut butter allowed in the house. Daddy is allergic to peanuts
8: Can we buy some after he dies?
Me: Sure
Remember to think of others this holiday season!
You’re either you’re frolicking in this meadow with me, or you’re frolicking in this meadow against me.
I was living with this woman for almost 6 years.
Then she noticed.
doctor: jogging will extend your life
me: thanks for the warning