No disrespect to the Jurassic World franchise, but the scariest dinosaur is purple and claims he loves me and is part of my family.
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6: I want to grow my hair longer.
Me: Oka—
6: So I can bite it.
Me:
I’m not a morning person so at work people know not to bother me until I’ve had my coffee. Also I don’t drink coffee. It’s been very peaceful.
Asking my 8YO to go to bed is like arguing with an opera singer singing heavy metal
Holy crap this is wonderful
Lady, your baby needs to chill. This is MY Binky. I found it fair and square after “someone” threw it on the ground. Finders keepers.
i can sleep well tonight knowing my “local 4 news” is “fighting for me” & “getting answers” especially that new weather guy
I haven’t gotten my blood pressure checked in probably like 3 years, but I wear sunscreen every day because healthy living is about balance.
that’s the thing with this thing, it’s very thingy
Went braless for a quick trip to the store…ran into 3 exes, 5 celebrities, my mother-in-law, her church group, a live reporting TV news crew, and Jesus.
3 things in life are certain: death, taxes and me not actually working past 1 pm on a Friday
If science is so great why do we only have one vegetable on the cob
I need you to fill my water bowl but I’m also going to stand directly in your path and trip you 7 times before you can get to the sink.
– Dogs
If your online dating profile says “I don’t have sex on the first date” then that’s why you’re on a dating website.
did it hurt? when the rat pulled on your hair to make you cook?
I want a 21 cinnamon bun salute at my funeral.
When I wear cargo shorts and I need to find my phone I suddenly transform into a baseball coach giving play signals.
Get yourself a man who talks constantly in his sleep. You don’t have to, but I did. Tonight he said “salad salad salad”, then he grabbed me, and continued to sleep.
I assume he meant I’m a delicious life-giving snack, but he may have been suggesting a diet.
Intimidate your opponent by fielding a team of flying monkeys
Schrödinger’s Dumpster
Parents please check your kids’ Halloween candy. Just found an orca inside of a Hershey bar. Stay safe this Halloween.
Him: Take them off. All of them.
*slowly unbuttons 50 cardigans
me: what do you know about atoms?
friend: very little
me: besides that
Some people exercise every day.
I’m trying to teach my self-cleaning oven to do the rest of the house.
A guy I know just posted “I’m relaxing today, don’t bother me” on Facebook, and let me tell you: I was going to bother him but now I’m not
Today I was seated next to lovely, glowing, first-time pregnant woman, who looked me in the face and told me her child will be a mellow introvert. I let her have the moment.
[doctors]
“How long have I got?”
“Not long. Two, three months”
[casually places apple on desk]
“Ok, ok, six. Just get that out of here!”
Wouldn’t that be a cool twist if World War 3 turned out to be a U.S.-Russia thing after all? “So retro!”, you’d think as you were vaporized.
People who copy and paste jokes from facebook are idiots…
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When I’m drafting a legal document, I’ll sprinkle the word “herein” all over that shit like it’s paprika.