Used to tell my kids that I had underwear older than them but now that the kids are 21 and 24, I’ve stopped. Also, to be fair, they’re not much more than waistbands now.
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Kids be like “I owe you $5, would you like it all in quarters?”
Dear parents who line up 45 minutes early in the school pick-up line,
I don’t understand.
Surprise a beautiful person today by disagreeing with them.
*Learns sign language to keep arguing with boyfriend while giving the silent treatment*
[bursts in carrying 50 inch TV]
me: honey look, this was on sale for $279!
wife: oooooooohhhhhhh
midwife: that’s it keep pushing
WHEN YOU’RE A GHOST, YOU CAN:
1. Float through walls!
2. Find a body in the wall!
3. Wait, that’s you.
4. But then who did they bury in your grave?
5. Solve mysteries!
The Earth is 70% uncarbonated water
Therefore the Earth is flat.
Did you guys ever prank your passed out friend by putting his hand in a bowl of warm water and then dropping a tiny toaster in it?
*pulls home cooked meal out of oven*
*family awkwardly stares at me*
Yup, this is definitely not my house.
look, men and women are BIOLOGICALLY different. ever since the cave man times boys have loved cars and girls have loved toy ovens
I fixed the internet, am tech genius
*turned the WiFi router off and on and now it’s working
It is amazing how trim porn actresses stay with all the pizza they order.
I mistook a flash flood warning for a neighboring town as a “flash mob” announcement. So, when I showed up for it, I looked stupid.
And my shoes got wet.
I can’t believe Halloween was 10 pounds ago.
me: do you have spaghetti?
mcdonalds cashier: …no
me: would you like some?
There should be a tv game show where couples have to scroll through every streaming service looking for something they both want to watch and if time runs out, they get divorced.
When I was growing up, “Deadpool” was just what we called our neighbors’ hot tub after he mysteriously drowned in it.
How it started: How it’s going:
A spooky dog skeleton would be so confused. He’d be like should I haunt people or should I gnaw on my enticingly exposed bones
got kicked out of another gang for bringing spinach casserole to the trap house
Staying with my parents, pt. 3:
[4 yo is following my dad around]
Her: Whatcha doin?
Dad: Grabbing things for errands
Her: Whatcha doin now?
Him: Going to the garage
Her: Where you goin now?
Him: WHAT ARE YOU THE KGB? YOU GONNA REPORT BACK TO MOTHER RUSSIA?! LEAVEMEALONE
My daughter actually submitted this feedback at school. Not sure if I should ground her or buy her ice cream…
Cop: *Hands me ticket
“I’ll see you in court.”Me: *Seductively winks
“Sure is a lot of trouble just to see me again.”Cop: …
All kids are born with a sixth sense that lets them know the absolute worst time to ask for something.
Please don’t ask me what I’m doing this weekend without first making it clear whether or not you’re going to invite me to something that I’m going to have to make up a lie to get out of
I have never flown first class. Does the food just taste better because you get to lie down while you eat it?
Hell hath no fury like a woman proving herself by parallel parking
me: point taken lol
guy stabbing me: yeah see that right there is why this is happening
Ice Bucket Challenge Champion since 1945 ☺️
Him: Yah, I like my meat rare
Me: Rare? Like, unicorn you mean?
Him: ……
Me: Our mom’s are friends, you have to finish the date