[bleeding out]
ER Doctor: do you know your blood type?
ME: I’ve never really thought about it TBH. As long as it has a good personality
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I want to be the kind of person who eats half a grapefruit for breakfast and runs every morning but I also want to be happy
Girl twin: mummy stop the car!!
Me: what happened?!
GT: stop the car!
Me: are you ok?!
GT: STOP THE CAR!!! *cries*
Boy twin: *cries*
Me: *stops car* what’s wrong?!!
GT: mummy!
Me: what is it?!
GT: oh it’s ok I couldn’t see my shoes but they’re on my feet
Me: *cries*
Personality test: do you tend to keep to yourself
Me: Yes
Personality test: you are an introvert
Me: Holy shit
My tweets use many of the same letters as Shakespeare.
Me: OK now i need fresh fruit
Grocery app: Here’s melon flavored candy.
Me: No fresh fruit
Grocery app: Got it. Fruit snacks.
“MAKE GOOD CHOICES!!”, I screamed from inside the cop car
Personal Trainer: Do you run?
Me: Only into people and places I’d rather not be.
I once made a mistake with plurals.
It was an amazing feet.
My daughter is so critical…
“Another cup of coffee?”
“That’s a lot of salt.”
“Your pants are on inside out. Again.”
Whoever said the sound of a zipper going down was the sexiest sound has obviously never heard a new bag of Doritos being opened.
I like my wedding soup made with real bickering.
Don’t let anyone tell you that The Godfather isn’t an extremely effective parenting manual.
5 told me they read Pinocchio at school and that Pinocchio’s nose got big if he lied, then she looked at me and said “wow mummy you must have lied a lot”
Me: Forgive me father I have sinned
Priest: Get out of my house
M: But it’s a big sin
P: *sigh* Speak child
M: I broke into your house
Sometimes all you need,
is 500 million dollars.
At some point I need to admit my ‘guilty pleasure’ music taste is just my music taste now
I believe the children are our future. Teach them well and let them lead the way.
Tomorrow implies the existence of Frommorrow. And also Tomorcolumn. And Tomandrow! Man, these daiquiris are strong…
“Shit! Shit! Shit! Shit!” – When man discovered bears can climb trees as well
We just joined a gym and they asked me to pick a 4 digit member number and I opened my mouth and my husband said, “I stg if you use your bank pin.”
I was, in fact, going to use my bank pin💀
Are you watching too much T.V but not doing enough reading? Turn your subtitles on. Boom, problem solved!
Word find for ghosts:
O o O o O o O o O o O
o O o O o O o O o O o
O o O o O o O o O o O
o O o O o O o O o O o
O o O o O o O o O o O
o O o O o O o O o O o
What’s the name of that Tom Cruise movie where he runs around a lot?
“Avoid drinking alcohol while taking this medication.”
So, how hard should I go on this “avoid” thing?
I went to a wildlife rehabilitation center today and none of the animals were still doing drugs. A massive success!
Whatever the plot is in Barbie’s movie, my dolls have been through worse
She really didn’t have nine lives, just one very stubborn life that wouldn’t go away.
When I’m good I’m great. When I’m not good I’m the piano falling out of the window of people
I’m such a sucker for floral print tops and dresses. Am I a middle-aged woman or a tea cup? No one knows.
I’m not always a couch potato. For instance, right now I am a chair potato. And later I will be a bed potato.