HER: I have something I want to tell u
ME: me too
HER: *smiles coyly* same time?
ME: sure
HER: 1,2,3 I LOVE YO-
ME: ONE TIME I ATE DOG FOOD
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her: i only date woke guys
me: [trying to impress] i have insomnia
MECHANIC: listen, I’m not sure if I can fix this
FRED FLINTSTONE: *cradling his broken legs*
Weird how first we have to pretend to be asleep in order to fall asleep.
[pulls out acoustic guitar at a funeral]
alright everyone stop being all [finger quotes] sad this next 1 is dedicated to a very sexy widow.
I just want to live in a world where stupid people don’t knock on a locked bathroom door shouting, “anyone in there?!”
At drop off, 5’s teacher said “good morning sweetheart” and 5 replied “mummy made fish for dinner last night and it was disgusting” then she skipped inside to tell Freya all about it
Me: Hi! I’m here to enter the eye rolling category.
International Olympic Committee: *collectively make a face*
Me: Yep. That’s the one.
[looks at text from 2 days ago]
Me: Sorry about your car, do you still need a ride home?
My boss gave me his credit card for lunch and said “grab yourself something too” yet seems surprised that I went shoe shopping…
Weird.
I could never do time in prison – The handshakes are way too complicated.
My credit card was confiscated three days ago.
Jeff bezos just called to make sure I was okay.
a talented computer hacker can bring down any man, no matter how rich or powerful, by smashing him over the head with a brick
ME: ur more likely to get hit by lightning than eaten by a shark
SHARK: [biting my torso] today’s your lucky day
ME: *gets hit by lightning*
*nose hairs growing out of control
*buys tiny scissors
*jam them in the eyes of whoever I catch staring at my nose hairs
Mum’s will be like, “I am not here to tell you what to do” and tell you anyway.
My pronouns are she/her and my adjectives are problematic/overwhelmed
[hospital]
*crying*
Jim it’s your turn to change the baby
*picks up baby*
-Ok brb
*comes back holding a black baby*
-I think they’re onto us
[tracker kneels and examines spoor]
– A herd of idiots has passed this way but an hour ago.
– How can you tell?
– Look. Fresh nincompoop.
I wonder if Groot met his girlfriend on Timber
When you’re feeling nice so you stop and get a couple dozen donuts for your crew. But then you gotta leave em in your car until the gravy sucking ingrate non reciprocating 1st shift crew goes home so your crew can actually eat them.
I don’t understand how people use plastic wrap successfully.
I once tried playing tennis with a cymbal but it made a terrible racket
it’s dangerous to go alone, take this
Chief cop: “This might be racially motivated.”
Ian: “Hate crime?”
Chief cop: “We all hate crime, Ian. That’s why we are cops.”
Damn, can’t believe I’m getting all of this backlash just for being objectively shitty
I may not have great parenting skills, but in my defense the kids don’t have great childing skills either.
we all have skills – but like, ones you can’t talk about right? like I am really good at wringing out a cloth the perfect amount so it doesn’t drip but it’s still juicy
Me: Where the hell are you going with those balloons?
4yr: I need to wee!
Me: With balloons?!
4yr: Its so much fun to wee with balloons
If ghosts are real, then why aren’t any of them pantsing people
I believe the plural is “milves.”