It’s funny to me when a movie character takes a drink of hard liquor “to clear my head” or “so I can think straight,” like that isn’t the exact opposite of how alcohol works.
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Surgeon: We’ve successfully removed part of your intestine
Me: That took guts, LOL
Patient: Who is that guy?
Surgeon: I thought you knew him
Speed dating
(Don’t say anything embarrassing)
“So do you ever eat raisins and then later poop rehydrated grapes?”
(DAMMIT!)
Me: babe, I don’t mean to be THAT person but you breathe way too loud & I can’t fall asleep.
*Vader grabs a blanket & moves to the couch*
I wonder how many different vegetables they exploded before they discovered popcorn.
My dog is really picky on where she poops. For instance, she will only choose a lawn where the homeowner is outside to make eye contact with me.
A sex boycott sounds fun and all but have you ever tried marriage?
When guys tweet selfies they should totally place a few cartons of eggs into the background “accidentally” so women know they can afford eggs.
doctors don’t really need to hit you with that rubber hammer it’s just how they release a lil tension through the day
My husband started exercising and now I have to start exercising out of spite.
Welcome to Psychic Abilities 101.
Today’s class was just rescheduled for tomorrow. If you’re here now, you failed.
[phone rings]
ME: Hello?
MOM: Are you watching the news?
ME: Yes.
MOM: Channel 2?
ME: Yes.
MOM: Bring a jacket anyway.
As suspected, someone has been adding soil to my garden.
The plot thickens.
I dunno maybe go make out with a hot toaster
Having a kitten around is great, because I was definitely missing being randomly assaulted by five pounds of panicky barbed wire as silent as a shadow in my life.
I would travel a million miles to be with you for 30 minutes.
Unless I had to walk. Then it’s one block max.
Me: “When will you be home?”
Wife: “10 to 15 minutes max.”
All these years and she can’t remember my name is Ryan.
I hope this magician is good [curtain rises to reveal a man with no goatee] get your coats, children. that man is a fraud.
When you’re a kid, you think you’re never gonna grow up, and then one day you’re in your 30s and you suddenly have VERY inflexible ideas about the proper way to load the dishwasher
Me: cute infant you have there
Mary: thanks
Me: so tender and mild
Mary: …w-what
Your password must contain a character still living in Game of Thrones
******
Password expired
******
Password expired
******
Password ex…
HR: People are complaining that you find ways to appear superior to them.
[chair elevated to highest position]
Me: That’s just ridiculous.
I’m 32 years old and I’ve watched Frozen 26 times this week…
For those of you out there thinking about having unprotected sex tonight…
Been watching a lot of Netflix documentaries & I think a really good way for me to make a lot of money is to find a rich woman & tell her I’m a vampire or some other crazy shit & she’ll just give me loads of cash.
Body: time to fall asleep.
Brain: hey that’s an interesting thought, here’s six billion more.
There is no such thing as a hamburger. There are only sad cheeseburgers who are missing their cheese.
[Cooking pasta]
Make enough to feed everyone in The Sopranos and proceed like Tony is going to kill you if you don’t cook enough pasta.
A buddy asked me what it was like to cook with toddlers so I dumped out a bag of flour, threw a half-dozen eggs on the floor and then we went out to eat.
Your birth certificate is your very first participation trophy.
There’s no actual reason to believe that eating this entire bag of Doritos will make me feel better. That’s why it’s called faith.
Not too drunk to do the project but too drunk to drive to Home Depot. So you see my dilemma.