If you feel trapped in your body with no way out, just think about that guy in the middle of a conga line.
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Why yes, person on the Internet, I would love to make $596 per day sitting at home. Let’s do this!!!
They call it a Caesar salad because it’s as bad for your health as receiving 23 separate stab wounds.
Days without shaking my head disapprovingly at myself: 0
A solid knife fighting strategy is to move clockwise in increasingly larger circles until you reach a safe running distance.
Piers Morgan has taken a very strong stance against guns, and who can blame him?
If you had a gun, you’d shoot him too.
Updating my 2014 MacBook and you would think I am diffusing a bomb. It’s been two hours and the fan is going so hard it sounds like it’s preparing for take off
Why do I never crave carrots or broccoli at midnight? Why is it always some unhealthy shit like Taco Bell or pizza?
Nursery owner helping me load plants, “Your car looks just like mine.”
“You have a Crosstrek too” I ask.
“No, lots of wine bags.”
We have Life cereal. How is it that some marketing hack hasn’t come up with a cereal for Goths, called Death?
The sincerest form of flattery is having a robot from the future sent back in time to kill you. Imitation is a distant second.
None for me. I’ll eat when I’m dead
“You don’t understand how that saying works, do you?”
I’ll understand how the saying works when I’m dead
*flushes the urinal for the guy next to me* pay it forward, bro.
babies gremlins
🤝getting wet after midnight makes more
The recipe said “prick with a fork,” but enough about me.
I’m a vegetarian except for chicken, beef, pork, and fish products.
I’m not one to kink shame but I just found out my boyfriend has a new fetish for sleeping with other women.
the flight attendant came down the aisle holding out a bag of trash to me and i was like “sure what the hell” and grabbed a couple pieces
Producer: What should we do with the deer movie?
Walt Disney: Kill the mom.
P: and the mermaid movie?
WD: Kill the mom.
P: maybe for the lion movie we can do something different?
WD: Oh ok….kill the dad.
DR: Good news and bad news
LADY: What’s the bad news
DR: Your husbands dead
LADY: *crying* Oh my god
DR: *holding finished sudoku behind back* Ask what the good news is
one thing that has not changed at all from childhood to adulthood is how worried you need to be when your mother is addressing you by your full name
day 1: dear diary i have been stranded on a desert island
day 18: im starting to think that help will never come
day 120: i was rescued by a couple fishermen!
day 121: i have been dropped back off on the island because i kept saying “thank cod u guys found me” to the fishermen
College was the most expensive video-streaming service in last 2 years
Several of my internal organs hurt, but I’m 100% sure it’s not my body trying to tell me something.
Why is it that “fire sauce” isn’t made with any real fire? Seems like false advertising.
Yeah, but I thought the whole point of twitter was to be stalked.
The word ‘follower’ should be evidence of that
My grandpa once shot a hornet’s nest with a shotgun and had to spend 4 hours hiding under a log until the swarm dissipated. What I’m saying is, I come from a long line of poor decision makers so you can only expect so much
I helped my neighbor out with something this morning and she said to me “I could marry you”. I couldn’t believe it. You do something nice for someone and they threaten to ruin your life in return.
Today’s Tarot Card: It’s not the destination that matters; it’s the huge number of enemies you’ve made along the way.
Inflation has me feeling like I’m back in college cause I’m living off of ramen most days.
[food naming committee]
… Ok. Cow?
– Beef
Ground up?
– Burger
Great. Pig?
– Pork
Baked & sliced?
– Ham
Super! Deer?
– Venison
Fish?
– Fish