I’m so excited, I just sold my first house. I’m not even a real estate agent and my neighbors are furious for selling their house without asking.
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I came this close!!!!
*email from Amazon*
Your package has arrived! To see a picture of the delivery, click HERE
Your front door was faded. For suggested paint colors, click HERE
Your dog was loud. To browse calming treats, click HERE
We saw you changing clothes. To shop for curtains, click HERE
Nobody:
My kid: I want my nickname to now be Hot Dogs.
“Stop pointing at my daughter!” – Kanye West yells at a compass.
When did razors get so expensive?
Three more payments and I’ll be able to shave
Doctor: “To stop heartburn, avoid spicy and doughy”
Me: “But doctor. I *am* spicy and doughy!”
never compromise your values
medusa but her hair is an anaconda
My kid hasn’t finished her homework but she did call a family meeting to show us the 20 slide presentation she created on why we should get a cat.
Getting a text message from your ex is like getting a message from Satan on an Ouija board.
9: Where’s mom?
Me: Out the back
9: Australia?
M: Out THE back, not the Outback!
9: What’s she doing?
M: Playing with her didgeridoo, I think
What’s the most ridiculous demand a customer has made of you? I’ll go first: when I was working retail, a woman once demanded I pick her up from her Botox appointment with my car & bring her to the mall to shop
I am just a girl, standing in front of the laundry, hoping it will wash itself.
There’s nothing to stop you from whispering “I’m in!” like a hacker when you enter your own email password.
Ladies, never trust a dude with a fancy mustache. They’re just a top hat and a cape away from tying you to the train tracks or the conveyor belt of a giant lumber mill saw.
Don’t bring a knife to a gun fight. Also, no outside food, they are so strict about that.
Somehow my beach-bod went to a dad-bod and unfortunately now it’s more of a beached-dad-bod.
6 was jealous about other kids getting notes in their lunches, so I put one in his:
“Sorry, I ate your pudding. Love, Dad.”
The car salesman said my vehicle will seat five people without any problems. How am I suppose to find five people without any problems?
[being murdered]
Two Murderers: *trying to kill me at the same time but their stabs cancel out*
Me: *becomes even more alive*
and now we wait
The fastest land animal is me when I’m upstairs and hear my dog about to throw up in the living room
If I had a hill house I would simply not allow it to be haunted
Me: it is he about whom the prophecy foretold, and for whom we have waited lo these many centuries
Cable guy:
Always trust a glue salesman…
They tend to stick to their word.
My dad said he thinks his new gf is the one and I said well technically she’s the fifth one
I would actually consider watching The Bachelor if one of the girls was a Praying Mantis.
It doesn’t come up often in the movie, but one weapon we have against Predator is a handful of glitter.
[peeing behind a tree]
bonsai artist: I have restrooms
If Miley doesn’t get her shit together, all these Hannah Montana collectibles are never gonna get my kids through college