I slipped on ice and discovered I’m a natural at break dancing
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ibopfufen
My girlfriend just called a group of sheep ‘sheeps’ and now I can never be sure that she is legally capable of consenting to sex.
I’m gonna call my mom 26 times today to tell her about all the nothing that I’m doing, just to even the score.
[Ouija board]
Me: Demon?
I-W-I-L-L-E-A-T-Y-O-U-R-E-S-O-U-LMe: *your
Y-O-U-K-N-O-W W-H-A-T-I-D-O-N-T-W-A-N-T-Y-O-U-R-S-O-U-L-A-N-Y-M-O-R-E
My wife: Have the kids been acting weird today?
Me: I don’t think it’s an act.
robber: be cool this is a robbery
me: [unbuttons the top three buttons of my shirt]
Dec. 21st Xmas shopping: guy to other guy, “Does she wear earrings?” Long pause. Other guy, ” I don’t know.”
Why be part of the problem when you can be all of it?
Apparently being a 45 year old man sitting on Santa’s lap demanding the heads of your enemies is just too much for some malls.
Greg: “You’ve put Christmas decorations up?”
Ian: “I know it’s only November but-”
Greg: “We work in a morgue, Ian. A morgue.”
I used to think chiropractors were useless till I had back problems… Now, I stand corrected.
Me: you’re mad at me about what happened earlier aren’t you?
Arresting officer: little bit
Shout out to the top 5 cakes in the world, crab, pan, pound, urinal and let them eat.
I wonder how many of these NSA agents have a crush on me.
Cool I just discovered I can speak my tweets into my phone exclamation mark
Alex Baldwin implies the existence of Alex Hairloss
WIFE: You’re very quiet. What are you thinking?
ME: Did Smurfette call them her bluebs?
WIFE: Sometimes it’s ok to say ‘nothing’.
Did it hurt? When you saw the candy you bought yesterday going half price
I thrive on chaos!
*breaks spaghetti noodles in half*
Caller ID really needs to be more detailed like “Your neighbor Todd needs help moving a couch” or the “ex wife is on her way over go hide in the basement.
(seeing your lamp) you have a pet sun! (touching it, it burns) and i see it’s not trained very well 馃槓
I’m not self medicating myself with booze. The guy at the liquor store wrote me a prescription.
Well he called it a receipt…whatever.
I speak 3 languages. Unfortunately no one else in the world speaks 2 of them.
My brother and his girlfriend were complaining about jet lag in Paris so I told him to think of it as training for when they have children and never sleep again. Except they won鈥檛 be in Paris.
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: Ma’am you can’t take that on the plane
ME: This is my therapy ham
[Pok茅mon Pitch]
Writer: pet training with wild animals
Exec: thats already a thing
Writer: kids are the trainers
Exec: seems irresponsible
Writer: they keep them in magic balls until it’s time to fight for scout badges or something
Exec: why
Writer: unclear
Exec: tight
I never realized how annoying I could be until I created a miniature version of myself and started arguing with it daily.
“You called about a break-in?”
“I did.”
“Anything stolen?”
“Just some food.”
“Anything else?”
“She messed up the furniture.”
“She?”
“Blonde girl. Jumped out the window.”
Me: I am excited for our date tonite, I am going all out.
Her: Don’t go nuts just keep it casual.
Me: